Better Luck Next Month

Well, I'm officially not pregnant again this month.

It's difficult to not despair...to not want to quit trying.

I realize these thoughts of giving up are only a certain evil one trying to get me to abandon the pathway God desires for my life.

In a couple days, I'm sure my tune will change.  I'll become "gung-ho" again and I'll make an appointment to speak with an expert on the Creighton Method of NFP.  Maybe after she looks at my charts that I've been documenting for the past 10 years (using Billings), she'll see that it isn't because we don't understand when I am fertile.  Maybe she'll notice something looks "off" with my cycle.  But, I have had other experts take a look-see, and they say it appears to be normal.  They tell me to feel at peace and confident that it appears all is working as it should.

We also need to have my DH checked.  But, this is tricky, too.  You see, as a Catholic, he cannot just go into the little room, look at por.nography, and do the deed.  I would never want him to.  But...this is what is expected of a man.  In order to use a method that is in line with Catholic teachings...and quite frankly...with human decency, we will have to get a little creative.  As far as I know, there is no offering of post-coital testing in this area.  Maybe I should get in touch with the Catholic doctor.  That's another item for my to-do list.

Swimming against the current is such a heavy burden.

I know that it will all be worth it one day.

At the moment, I just dread it. 

Lord, give me peace.

Whoa! I'm Not Alone!

I guess I should have done a small Google search before beginning this blog, for I am most certainly NOT alone in my struggles.  There are a lot more Catholic women who are experiencing infertility out there than I imagined.  Since most of the Catholic friends I know have been blessed with multiple children or at least stories of how easily they become pregnant, I felt as though my situation was fairly unique.  It is with relief and also sadness that I found out that it must not be.  It makes me wonder about the numbers of women who do not have blogs--who have remained silent in their suffering.  How many? 

Before today, I was one of them.  I am not sure where this blog is going.  Maybe I will decide to make it my own private journal.  I just know that I have always done well when I get my thoughts and feelings out through writing.  It makes the whirling, circular thought patterns halt.  I can say, "There.  I acknowledged that emotion--that point.  Now I can move on to the next."  Otherwise, I just get stuck sometimes.  At any rate, I know that getting this out is good for me right now.  After I get it all out, maybe it will be enough.  Or...perhaps the material will continue to come. 

Maybe I will join the Catholic Infertility group on Yahoo! groups.  Maybe that will be the outlet and bonding that I desire.  Only God knows.  I should try to take this day by day.  I don't have to commit to anything, which is nice.

God, I will go where you lead me.

It's Happening Again

I'm starting this blog because I feel like it's happening again. 

Not only is it probably going to happen again, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.

No one wants to hear about their friend's infertility woes.

Few of my friends understand anyway.

Many of them are abundantly blessed with several children of their own.

A little bit of background:  My husband and I have one beautiful son.  We have been trying unsuccessfully for over a year to conceive again.  We just began the process of looking into if there might be something wrong. 

Here is the trick:  We are both Catholic, and we are not interested in exploring every fertility opportunity our modern world provides.  I am not here to pass judgment.  I know plenty of individuals, some of them rather close friends/relatives, who used methods I will not pursue.  That is the road they chose to travel.  We do not want to follow them.  We would prefer to stick strictly to what the Catholic Church allows in terms of fertility treatment. 

This is where things get sticky and where I lose potential advocates.  I cannot talk to these friends/family about my/our infertility without appearing that I am judging them for their decisions.  In addition, I am afraid that I don't want them to give me advice on what they think I should/shouldn't do in evaluating/treating my/our infertility.

I know that I am not alone.

Literally, I am accompanied on this journey by my Creator.  Also, I know that there are other Catholics out there who want to abide by the guidelines set forth by the Catholic Church, and you also need someone to talk to.  It is hard in this day and age when all you hear about are your friends who are easily having babies...or others who are using in vitro to become pregnant. 

I understand that this is a suffering that God is allowing in my life, and through this suffering, I am being sanctified.  I understand that.  But, I still hope to one day be able to have more children.  The alternate option of closing myself off to life is not acceptable...as tempting as it may feel to me at times.

So, that is my mess of an introduction.

It feels very raw, but the emotions that come out of infertility are so incredibly raw and heart-wrenching, and if you are also experiencing it, you know what I mean.