We found out some good news regarding the SA (or SFA). All is fine with that, which is a relief.
Of course, along with the relief came some ugly feelings of fear and loneliness. It felt nice when DH was right by my side...in the trenches with me. It is hard for me to not feel a little like this is a path that I am walking without him, now that the finger points to me as the problem.
I don't want to be this way. I don't want this to be about me versus DH. I KNOW that we are doing this together, but I am so weak.
I want to constantly trust in Jesus and know that he is there with me. I want to always remember that DH is still impacted, even when he is not the one getting his blood drawn every other day. (Tomorrow is my third day of blood testing.)
I know that when I try to fix my eyes on Jesus with my own strength, I fail.
I have been reading the book Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Father Michael Gaitley. It is absolutely beautiful. Have you read it? It's a retreat that you can do on your own time, and it is phenomenal! I have learned so much. Right now, I am reading the "Conclusion", and it may be one of the most important spiritual (non-Bible) books I have ever read.
Anyhow, I have been practicing some of the things I have learned from the book which could not have come at a better time in my life. I KNOW God will help me overcome these temptations to wallow in sadness and loneliness. I know He will take these sufferings and create something much better out of them.
Mary, Queen of Heaven, please pray for us!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Unity & Trust
DH and I "performed" the se.men analysis (SA) today. It was such a strange experience.
For one, I felt so embarrassed. Talking about s.ex still makes me blush. Also, we haven't told family about our infertility/subfertility, so we had to be secretive about our "errands" while they watched our son. It felt a bit like lying. DH didn't like how he felt during the turn of today's events. He said it felt like he was cheating on me or something. Yes, it was odd. The hospital lab we used was just a tad too far from our house, so we got a room at a hotel. This was necessary so we could get the sample to the lab in under 30 minutes. Also, we had to use a (perforated) con.do.m to collect the specimen. Never used one of those before = STRANGE! Declaring out loud--in person--to the lab tech that we are Catholic and needed to take our cup out of the hospital and return it was a little embarrassing. (I called in beforehand to double check this was okay.) However, it seems to be getting easier with each subsequent conversation. It's also positive that we have probably educated some health care workers about the "Catholic way" of getting the specimen.
I have to say that although I don't want to have to reproduce today's activities ever again, I am happy with some of the fruits. First of all, today certainly humbled my husband and me. We are evermore aware that we are not in control of our fertility, nor do we create a life on our own. Secondly, although the method was stressful, it brought us together in a way that the typical SA would not. We had to rely on God, and this gave us no other choice than to cling to Him and to each other.
For one, I felt so embarrassed. Talking about s.ex still makes me blush. Also, we haven't told family about our infertility/subfertility, so we had to be secretive about our "errands" while they watched our son. It felt a bit like lying. DH didn't like how he felt during the turn of today's events. He said it felt like he was cheating on me or something. Yes, it was odd. The hospital lab we used was just a tad too far from our house, so we got a room at a hotel. This was necessary so we could get the sample to the lab in under 30 minutes. Also, we had to use a (perforated) con.do.m to collect the specimen. Never used one of those before = STRANGE! Declaring out loud--in person--to the lab tech that we are Catholic and needed to take our cup out of the hospital and return it was a little embarrassing. (I called in beforehand to double check this was okay.) However, it seems to be getting easier with each subsequent conversation. It's also positive that we have probably educated some health care workers about the "Catholic way" of getting the specimen.
I have to say that although I don't want to have to reproduce today's activities ever again, I am happy with some of the fruits. First of all, today certainly humbled my husband and me. We are evermore aware that we are not in control of our fertility, nor do we create a life on our own. Secondly, although the method was stressful, it brought us together in a way that the typical SA would not. We had to rely on God, and this gave us no other choice than to cling to Him and to each other.
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