We found out some good news regarding the SA (or SFA). All is fine with that, which is a relief.
Of course, along with the relief came some ugly feelings of fear and loneliness. It felt nice when DH was right by my side...in the trenches with me. It is hard for me to not feel a little like this is a path that I am walking without him, now that the finger points to me as the problem.
I don't want to be this way. I don't want this to be about me versus DH. I KNOW that we are doing this together, but I am so weak.
I want to constantly trust in Jesus and know that he is there with me. I want to always remember that DH is still impacted, even when he is not the one getting his blood drawn every other day. (Tomorrow is my third day of blood testing.)
I know that when I try to fix my eyes on Jesus with my own strength, I fail.
I have been reading the book Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Father Michael Gaitley. It is absolutely beautiful. Have you read it? It's a retreat that you can do on your own time, and it is phenomenal! I have learned so much. Right now, I am reading the "Conclusion", and it may be one of the most important spiritual (non-Bible) books I have ever read.
Anyhow, I have been practicing some of the things I have learned from the book which could not have come at a better time in my life. I KNOW God will help me overcome these temptations to wallow in sadness and loneliness. I know He will take these sufferings and create something much better out of them.
Mary, Queen of Heaven, please pray for us!
Oh, I feel the same way about the feeling that you're alone in this. My hubby, though WONDERFUL, is not the emotional, "let's talk about our feelings" type so this is really hard for me. The thing is, I think it's really hard for him too, not knowing what to say or do. Ugh. It's so hard when you're just not on the same page. Prayers!
ReplyDeleteYou have such a good attitude! Bringing it to prayer and trusting Jesus is the best answer. I remember the guilt I felt knowing my body wasn't functioning properly and feeling responsible for not being able to provide a sibling for my son. It's overwhelming. But you are on the right track. Praying for you :)
ReplyDeleteSo glad that the SFA came back normal! We were in the exact same situation situation...our SFA came back normal, so that meant that it was all my fault and there's something wrong with me. Not a good feeling. Luckily, DH was able to talk me out of it, reminding me that I'm not "broken".
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a great book!
You guys - thank you so much for your prayers. They have really been helping me, and I am very grateful!
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