How Infertility Has Changed My Life

Infertility/subfertility is really awful.  Everyone has a cross in their life, and this tends to be one of those more private crosses.  I am not saying that it is worse than others, because how can you really measure agony?  However, when a burden must be carried silently, with little help from loved ones, it can feel heavier.

I realize that when people are diagnosed with cancer and they have their CarePage or blog that they share with their families, they are only sharing a small amount of what they are struggling with.  Also, in those situations, they are often dealing with life and death issues.  I will not lie to you, though.  In the past, I did think about how nice it would be to share the sadness I experienced with IF with my loved ones in the way that some people with cancer share their journeys.

Instead, my journey is largely silent.  Over time, I let my guard down and shared aspects of this cross with some of my close family and friends.  Mostly, I conveyed the facts.  "I'm trying [insert treatment here] this cycle."  "I'm having surgery."  "My surgery went well.  The doctor found [this]."  Etc.  Sometimes, I would mention that it really sucked.  I rarely went deeper than that.  I realized that they probably didn't want to know the extent of my gut-wrenching sadness.  I longed to tell them some good news for once, so I often minimized my pain.

During these past few years, something has been happening within me.  It has occurred at a snail's pace, but now, looking back, I see the difference.  God has increased, and I have decreased.

I remember asking for this very thing in my prayers.  In moments of great confidence, I remember even thinking that I didn't care how He brought it about.  "Help me give you my life, God."

So, I have been allowed the privilege to walk beside Jesus for a little while--helping him carry his cross by shouldering this yoke.

I still have a long way to go, but my life has improved so much because of infertility.  I know some of you also have similar experiences with your faith.  You would never choose this cross, but in some ways, you may be very thankful for where it has taken you.

Do You Think I Had Endometriosis?

It doesn’t really bother me that much that the testing of the tissue samples came back as inconclusive (well, “not endo” for one sample and “maybe endo” for another).

I am pretty sure I had it.

In high school and college, my periods ruled my life.  Before the days of Aleve, I would wake up in the middle of the night, writhing in pain, after my Tylenol wore off.  I’m not sure why I didn’t try Advil.

Well, I can’t remember when Aleve hit the market, but when it did, it changed the game.  I could sleep through the night without waking up in pain.  I religiously took Aleve every 12 hours, because if I didn’t, I could not function.

One time, I had to run a mile for my Fitness for Life class in college.  I was out of shape, but also on my period.  It was the first time I experienced Aleve failing.  I think it was due to a combination of my physical activity, dehydration, and my period.  Well, I barely hobbled the track.  After I was finished, I pretty much collapsed onto the ground in pain.  My teacher was concerned, and asked if I was alright.  “Cramps,” I said.   “Water and stretching should help,” he said.  “Not those kind of cramps,” I quipped.

Well, afterwards, I spent what seemed like an hour in the locker room, alternating between laying in the fetal position and pacing up and down the locker-lined aisles.  One girl finally asked if I was okay.  I told her I had cramps.  I can’t remember if she expressed understanding or not.

One day in college, I forgot to take my medicine between my classes.  In the middle of a lecture, I started to feel pain.  I thought, “I’ll just tough it out.”  Yeah.  Instead, I left the classroom, went to the bathroom, took the medicine, and walked around the building in agony.  I ended up back in the bathroom, but never back to the class.  The teacher sent a classmate to check on me, which was embarrassing.

Nowadays, since my lap surgery, my period pain is manageable without medicine.  I still feel twinges every once in a while.  One time, I thought the pain was progressing and I would need to pop a pill, but then the pain diminished.

Before the surgery, I had agonizing pain.  Now I do not.

I think I had endometriosis.

Do you think I did?

Also, is it going to return?

Infertility in the Blogs

I came across this blog post regarding Catholicism and infertility on Ignitum Today, and I thought I would share it.

I especially like what Pope Benedict XVI is quoted as saying regarding treatment for infertility:

 “The Church pays great attention to the suffering of couples with infertility, she cares for them and, precisely because of this, encourages medical research.  The human and Christian dignity of procreation, consists not in a “product”, but in its connection with the conjugal act, an expression of love of the spouses, their union which is not only biological but also spiritual”.

I am so glad that the Catholic Church has been able to advance some really good science (Naprotechnology) even in the midst of sub-par medical care that is IVF.  Naprotechnology actually searches for the underlying health problems that cause sub/infertility and works towards a cure.  IVF is very similar to the Pill, in that it oftentimes is used to bypass fixing medical problems. If it weren't for Naprotechnology, I wouldn't have gotten to the bottom of some of my health problems.  I am so very thankful for the Catholic Church standing firm for what is right and good, even when it is not fast or easy.  I am thankful that even in the midst of our trials with infertility, my husband and I have rarely felt that we were doing something that was unnatural or forced.  If we are to help bring more children into this world, I don't want it to be because we have "forced" God's hand.  I don't want children to spring forth from us removed from our marital embrace, which is quite literally a renewal of our marriage vows.  Naprotechnology is an example of the good that science can offer.  Because of the Catholic Church's steadfastness, all women--Catholic and non-Catholic alike--can benefit from the fruits of some very good science.

No More Brown Bleeding!

Wow!  That is a disgusting title!  But the nuisance seems to be gone.  I'm not sure if its absence is permanent, but it never showed its ugly face last cycle, so I'm hoping this cycle will give me more of the same.

Yes, bummer, that this cycle has started...  I took it pretty hard at first.  I'm glad it started after church and when DH was around and DS was well-occupied.  I lay my head in hubby's lap, and he stroked my hair for 15 minutes, while the fireplace crackled and classical music softly played in the background.  The second song that came on was "Ave Maria," and I began heaving all over again, knowing that even though our hearts ache, God is there.

I recently read 33 Days to Morning Glory by Father Michael Gaitley, and I still haven't done the Marian Consecration.  I don't know why.  But, I know that Our Lady is there for me and does want to lead me closer to Jesus.  I felt that her song played during my lowest moments today for a reason.

In other Na.pro news, besides no more brown bleeding, which is due to the 21-day course of antibiotics that DH and I finished a few cycles ago, I have also begun LDN.  I HAVE had some pretty vivid dreams and what seemed to be lots of interruptions in my sleep cycle.  Fortunately, I think that has tapered off somewhat.

Oh, yes, I also had my adrenals and thyroid hormones checked again, and although the numbers look better than they did at the last round of testing, they are on the borderline of being problematic.  I start taking Ad.ren-all (instead of licorice root) tomorrow.

Now I have pretty much exhausted the plans my doctor outlined after my surgery, so I'm not sure there's much else to try.  My husband and I decided that if we haven't conceived by the end of the year, we're going to start seriously looking into adoption.

IF "Therapy"

Recently, one of the other IF bloggers was talking about how doing art projects or other craft projects helps her to deal with her sub/infertility.

I find that creating is therapeutic for me, too.  I mean, I've always enjoyed doing that kind of stuff.  I am not particularly gifted in painting or drawing, but I do enjoy it the process of it.  I also enjoy sewing and knitting.  Although I realize that procreating isn't truly the result of my husband and I "making" a baby (because God "makes" people), we clearly play a big role in the process.  That's one of the reasons I think sub/infertility is so devastating for many; the urge to help in that creation process feels squelched.

Fortunately, I can flex my creative muscles with those artsy projects.  Additionally, I can completely overcompensate for my seemingly lack of procreative results by keeping a huge garden!  Last year, I began to joke with my husband that I felt the garden helped me deal with my frustrations of us not being able to "reap our harvest" with children.  He was like, "I know, hon."  So, it was that obvious.  Interestingly enough, the previous owners of our house also struggled with sub/infertility and later adopted a child.  One of the things that attracted me to this house was the large yard, flower gardens, and vegetable/fruit garden.  I wonder if they chose this house partially for the same reason.

Do you engage in any creative activities, such as art, knitting, sewing, jewelry making, gardening for your IF "therapy?"

St. Philomena Novena

Today is the first day of the St. Philomena novena.  She is the patron Saint of many different "hopeless" cases, and one of them listed is sterility.  Expectant mothers and those having problems with children have also called on her for help.  I have copied and pasted the novena prayer from D.rew M.ariani's FB page for your reading convenience.  Here is an alternative novena prayer from EW.TN's website, as well.

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Today begins the powerful novena to the martyr St. Philomena and it ends on Sat. Aug 11th. If you have a special need, ask this miracle worker to help.

Novena Prayer to ST. PHILOMENA

O FAITHFUL VIRGIN and glorious martyr, St. Philomena, who works so many miracles on behalf of the poor and sorrowing, have pity on me. Thou knowest the multitude and diversity of my needs. Behold me at thy feet, full of misery, but full of hope. I entreat thy charity , O great Saint! Graciously hear me and obtain from God a favorable answer to the request which I now humbly lay before thee ...

(Here specify your petition.)

I am firmly convinced that through thy merits, through the scorn, the sufferings and the death thou didst endure, united to the merits of the Passion and death of Jesus, thy Spouse, I shall obtain what I ask of thee, and in the joy of my heart I will bless God, who is admirable in His Saints. Amen.

Saint Philomena, Powerful with God, Pray for us!

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St. Philomena has been successfully invoked by her supplicants in every sort of need, such that she has become another patron of "hopeless" and "impossible" cases, like St. Jude or St. Rita, but she is known to be especially powerful in cases involving conversion of sinners, return to the Sacraments, expectant mothers, destitute mothers, problems with children, unhappiness in the home, sterility, priests and their work, help for the sick, the missions, real estate, money problems, food for the poor and mental illness. But truly, as her devotees have discovered, no case, of whatever matter, is too trivial or too unimportant to concern her.

Something Better

Our Sunday plans to visit the Shrine of Our Lady of Good Help, the only approved Marian apparition site in the U.S., were foiled when our son fell ill on Saturday afternoon.  We were attending a family reunion in Green Bay and were so close to the shrine!  I had been anticipating this trip for months, and the last time I planned on visiting a shrine (for Padre Pio), events precluded us from attending that one, as well.  I had it in my head that we were FOR SURE going to make it to this one.  I prayed for God to get us there, too.

I am not sure if it was God's plans for us to miss the shrine or not; however, I did feel His support along our journey.  Sure, I was disappointed, but I was definitely more worried about my son.  He had just recuperated from a previous illness, and we were concerned about his fever and loss of fluids.  Thankfully, he is doing much better now, which is a huge relief.

DH and I have been run ragged with everything that's been going on (my surgery, his work schedule, DS's illnesses), and this didn't make us feel well-rested...but we did have some very good bonding moments while driving a vomiting child home...and later waiting three hours to see a doctor.  I also had an a-ha moment.  I probably read this somewhere, but I think God reminded me about it:  Although it is really awesome to go on a pilgrimage, especially to someplace where Mary or Jesus appeared, it is even better to have the real thing.  What is more important for me is to have a true relationship with them.  Furthermore, I can come into the real presence of Jesus every day through the Mass or Adoration (exposed or in the Tabernacle).  It's quite exciting to remember that you don't need to go far to be in the presence of Jesus--body, blood, soul, and divinity--just your local Catholic Church.  How blessed we are!