Does It Really Matter?

This question is what gets me through days like today.

I am not giving up hope, and I'm not trying to "take control" by not attempting to conceive anymore.  However, the simple question, "Does it really matter?" helps me to find perspective.  This question helps me when I'm crampy, bloated, and suffering from the menstrual blues.  This question lifts me up when the Catholic radio stations and podcasts concentrate on the beauty of large families.  This question prevents me from crying at beginning-of-the-year Catholic school picnics where we are the only couple with an only child.

Why doesn't it really matter?

If I'm open to life and God's will in my life, and I'm trying my best to live out God's will for me, why does it matter if I have more babies?  Yes, I still yearn for them, but when I die, will it matter in Heaven?  No.  I don't think so.  What will matter is how I deal with the pain.  What matters is what I do with my life should God's answer to my prayers be "No."

I am very blessed to have my son.  I really am.  While this reality doesn't lessen my grief of being unable to conceive, it does nudge me in the right direction. 

Today and tomorrow and the next day, I want to focus on what God wants me to focus on.  I am aware of some of these focal points, but others will require discernment.  Today, I think I'm supposed to be thankful for what I have, which is all gift.  I am supposed to offer up my suffering for others and be united to Jesus on the Cross.  I think I'm also supposed to focus outwardly--on what others need, but I'm not sure about the specifics of this yet.

How do you deal with repeated disappointment and sadness?  How do you get out of your slumps?  Do you feel God's hand in your life, despite these disappointments and sadness?

The Discipline of Contentment

I was catching up on some older podcasts yesterday, and I happened upon espisode 183 of  "Per.sonally Spe.aking" with Monsignor Ji.m Li.sante.  He interviewed Tony H.ale who played "Buster" on the T.V. show Arr.ested Dev.elopment.  They talked about the difficulties of being a Christian in Hollywood, and it was a fairly interesting interview; however, the end was what blew me away.  At around 15 minutes into the program, Monsignor asked Tony a question that was basically, "Looking back on your life, is there anything that you wish you would have tried to do differently?"  To.ny replied that he would have practiced the "discipline of contentment" more.  He explained that much of his life was spent saying "when this happens..." or "when I get the show..."  He continued that "...even when you get what you really want, you [won't] be able to enjoy it, because you haven't been practicing contentment." 

The part that made me certain I was going to blog about the interview was when he said:

"...because whatever it is, you know, marriage or babies, you know, getting a certain job--people always think this one thing is going to completely satisfy."

So true.

He explained that being grateful and happy with what you have "...is a discipline--something that you have to practice..."

Very good.

I know it's something I struggle with. 

Have you ever thought that your life would be complete if you only had a baby?  Do you feel that you miss/missed the other good things in life while you are/were focused on becoming pregnant, etc.?  How do you practice contentment in your life?

Hemorrhagic Cyst

I had an appointment with my FCP (FertilityCare Practitioner) this past Friday, and we decided to do a sonogram since it was probably my peak day.

There was a mature follicle at that time, so they asked me to come back on Monday.  On Monday, it was still unruptured, so they asked me to come back for another sono today. 

I just had the sono, and the technician said that the follicle has changed into a hemorrhagic cyst.  I talked to my FCP, and she says that it's hard to say if this is typical or not. 

DH and I need to discuss when we're both going to be available during one of my upcoming cycles, so my follicle can be monitored.  Then I can get an inter muscular injection of HCG, which should help me to ovulate. 

DH is awesome.  He reminded me that even though this is hard, it seems like we are on the right path.  He told me that he is proud of me for going down this path, even though it is tough.  He said he feels good about what we're doing, because we're doing the right thing. 

New Study on Predicting Miscarriage

I got a "Getting Pregnant Bulletin" from BabyCenter, and they included an article from Reuters about a recent British study.  The researchers claimed to discover an accurate way to predict miscarriage in a pregnant woman.  I thought all of you would find it interesting.

Now That THAT'S Over...

Yesterday was hard.

It's amazing how surprised I still become of my grief upon discovering I am not pregnant again. 

I guess one thing to be grateful about regarding being caught off guard is that it makes me realize how hopeful I still am during the remainder of my cycle. 

Speaking of being grateful, my husband and I had a pow-wow last night, and he gave me some much needed advice.  It was in response to my question about how to go on when it seems we may never have more children.  He reminded me about gratitude.  He said I need to thank God for my blessings in the morning and before I go to bed. 

Yes.

It is true.  I have been abandoning this necessity. 

I was catching up on Matching Moonhead's blogs, and she had a very thoughtful post on anger and resentment.  One of her commenters recommended a book that I have read based on a glowing review from Eliz.abeth F.oss (I think).  It is called One Thousand Gifts, and it is a wonderful read.  The author is not Catholic, though most of her interpretations are in line with Catholic teaching (except for the full understanding of what 'Eucharist' is).  I believe it is time to pick up my pen and notebook and begin to jot down the things I am thankful for.  God has given me so much, and I want to not only recognize this, but also offer these gifts (good and so-called "bad") to Him.  My life is not my own.  If I remember this, perhaps I will not despair so much should I experience another month of sub/infertility.

 I am currently praying the Padre Pio Novena.  I'm on day two, and Padre Pio's words truly comfort me at this moment of my life, especially after yesterday.  He said:

"Have courage and do not fear the assaults of the devil.  Remember this forever; it is a healthy sign if the devil shouts and roars around your conscience, since this shows that he is not inside your will."

Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in You!

This Stinks

So many times, I have gotten to the end of my cycle and thought that this sub/infertility has to end sometime.  So many times, I have been more hopeful than I should have been.  If feels like this should have ended by now.

So many times, I have thought, "How much more of this can I really take?" 

Oh, God:

I know that in my weakness, I decrease and You increase--if I am open to this. 

I don't want to be prideful and try to take my fertility into my own hands, even if I am doing everything in the "approved" way.

I don't want to believe the lies that float through my head.  I know that I am not suffering this cross because I am less worthy than all of my other friends who are blessed with multiple children.  But, why do I let it linger in my mind at times?  Is it because I am already vulnerable due to my menstrual symptoms of fatigue, mental fogginess, feelings of depression, and physical pain?

I don't want to believe the worst lie of all that I am hearing in my mind--that I am suffering this cross because You don't love me.

Nonsense!

Lord, I know you are with me.  I know that I can never understand the vastness of your love for me and for all people.  I know this suffering is part of  being a human being and a follower of Christ.  Help me to trust in your providence.

St. Michael, the Archangel, defend us in battle.  Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.  May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits that wonder through the world seeking the ruin of souls.  Amen.

Tomorrow

I have been taking progesterone supplements from peak day +3 through +12 for the past three months now.  Although this has not resulted in a pregnancy thus far, it has seemed to make my cycle even more predictable.  For example, right now, I am on peak +14, which means that I am probably going to start my period tomorrow, since I have for the past two cycles.  I feel like I am going to, because I'm all crampy.  Also, I have been quite emotional the past few days.  Luckily, another good effect from the progesterone is that I am less emotional during this premenstrual time.  I am thankful for that.

My family recently went on a fun vacation, and being outside more often has helped to clear my head somewhat, so I'm hoping I'm ready to blog a little bit more in the near future.