The Discipline of Contentment

I was catching up on some older podcasts yesterday, and I happened upon espisode 183 of  "Per.sonally Spe.aking" with Monsignor Ji.m Li.sante.  He interviewed Tony H.ale who played "Buster" on the T.V. show Arr.ested Dev.elopment.  They talked about the difficulties of being a Christian in Hollywood, and it was a fairly interesting interview; however, the end was what blew me away.  At around 15 minutes into the program, Monsignor asked Tony a question that was basically, "Looking back on your life, is there anything that you wish you would have tried to do differently?"  To.ny replied that he would have practiced the "discipline of contentment" more.  He explained that much of his life was spent saying "when this happens..." or "when I get the show..."  He continued that "...even when you get what you really want, you [won't] be able to enjoy it, because you haven't been practicing contentment." 

The part that made me certain I was going to blog about the interview was when he said:

"...because whatever it is, you know, marriage or babies, you know, getting a certain job--people always think this one thing is going to completely satisfy."

So true.

He explained that being grateful and happy with what you have "...is a discipline--something that you have to practice..."

Very good.

I know it's something I struggle with. 

Have you ever thought that your life would be complete if you only had a baby?  Do you feel that you miss/missed the other good things in life while you are/were focused on becoming pregnant, etc.?  How do you practice contentment in your life?

Hemorrhagic Cyst

I had an appointment with my FCP (FertilityCare Practitioner) this past Friday, and we decided to do a sonogram since it was probably my peak day.

There was a mature follicle at that time, so they asked me to come back on Monday.  On Monday, it was still unruptured, so they asked me to come back for another sono today. 

I just had the sono, and the technician said that the follicle has changed into a hemorrhagic cyst.  I talked to my FCP, and she says that it's hard to say if this is typical or not. 

DH and I need to discuss when we're both going to be available during one of my upcoming cycles, so my follicle can be monitored.  Then I can get an inter muscular injection of HCG, which should help me to ovulate. 

DH is awesome.  He reminded me that even though this is hard, it seems like we are on the right path.  He told me that he is proud of me for going down this path, even though it is tough.  He said he feels good about what we're doing, because we're doing the right thing. 

New Study on Predicting Miscarriage

I got a "Getting Pregnant Bulletin" from BabyCenter, and they included an article from Reuters about a recent British study.  The researchers claimed to discover an accurate way to predict miscarriage in a pregnant woman.  I thought all of you would find it interesting.

Now That THAT'S Over...

Yesterday was hard.

It's amazing how surprised I still become of my grief upon discovering I am not pregnant again. 

I guess one thing to be grateful about regarding being caught off guard is that it makes me realize how hopeful I still am during the remainder of my cycle. 

Speaking of being grateful, my husband and I had a pow-wow last night, and he gave me some much needed advice.  It was in response to my question about how to go on when it seems we may never have more children.  He reminded me about gratitude.  He said I need to thank God for my blessings in the morning and before I go to bed. 

Yes.

It is true.  I have been abandoning this necessity. 

I was catching up on Matching Moonhead's blogs, and she had a very thoughtful post on anger and resentment.  One of her commenters recommended a book that I have read based on a glowing review from Eliz.abeth F.oss (I think).  It is called One Thousand Gifts, and it is a wonderful read.  The author is not Catholic, though most of her interpretations are in line with Catholic teaching (except for the full understanding of what 'Eucharist' is).  I believe it is time to pick up my pen and notebook and begin to jot down the things I am thankful for.  God has given me so much, and I want to not only recognize this, but also offer these gifts (good and so-called "bad") to Him.  My life is not my own.  If I remember this, perhaps I will not despair so much should I experience another month of sub/infertility.

 I am currently praying the Padre Pio Novena.  I'm on day two, and Padre Pio's words truly comfort me at this moment of my life, especially after yesterday.  He said:

"Have courage and do not fear the assaults of the devil.  Remember this forever; it is a healthy sign if the devil shouts and roars around your conscience, since this shows that he is not inside your will."

Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in You!

This Stinks

So many times, I have gotten to the end of my cycle and thought that this sub/infertility has to end sometime.  So many times, I have been more hopeful than I should have been.  If feels like this should have ended by now.

So many times, I have thought, "How much more of this can I really take?" 

Oh, God:

I know that in my weakness, I decrease and You increase--if I am open to this. 

I don't want to be prideful and try to take my fertility into my own hands, even if I am doing everything in the "approved" way.

I don't want to believe the lies that float through my head.  I know that I am not suffering this cross because I am less worthy than all of my other friends who are blessed with multiple children.  But, why do I let it linger in my mind at times?  Is it because I am already vulnerable due to my menstrual symptoms of fatigue, mental fogginess, feelings of depression, and physical pain?

I don't want to believe the worst lie of all that I am hearing in my mind--that I am suffering this cross because You don't love me.

Nonsense!

Lord, I know you are with me.  I know that I can never understand the vastness of your love for me and for all people.  I know this suffering is part of  being a human being and a follower of Christ.  Help me to trust in your providence.

St. Michael, the Archangel, defend us in battle.  Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.  May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits that wonder through the world seeking the ruin of souls.  Amen.

Tomorrow

I have been taking progesterone supplements from peak day +3 through +12 for the past three months now.  Although this has not resulted in a pregnancy thus far, it has seemed to make my cycle even more predictable.  For example, right now, I am on peak +14, which means that I am probably going to start my period tomorrow, since I have for the past two cycles.  I feel like I am going to, because I'm all crampy.  Also, I have been quite emotional the past few days.  Luckily, another good effect from the progesterone is that I am less emotional during this premenstrual time.  I am thankful for that.

My family recently went on a fun vacation, and being outside more often has helped to clear my head somewhat, so I'm hoping I'm ready to blog a little bit more in the near future.

Adrenal Fatigue

First of all, no baby this month.  : (

I was pretty upset for a while, but I had another appointment with my FertilityCare NP (nurse practitioner) yesterday, and now I have more information about what is causing my hormone imbalances.

Let me recap:  My thyroid hormones are abnormal, as are my progesterone levels.  I started progesterone support last cycle.  In order to get a clearer picture regarding my thyroid, my NP recommended a couple more tests.  This was to determine what is causing my thyroid hormone abnormality. 

The findings from the cortisol saliva test are that my cortisol levels are normal in the morning, but are too low at mid-day and afternoon.  Then, at night, my cortisol levels are too high.  This is a sign of an adrenal problem.  The NP described mine as "adrenal fatigue."

In order to remedy this, I am starting licorice root upon waking and at noon through CD 10 in order to increase the half-life of my cortisol (keep it in my system longer).  I am not supposed to take the licorice root beyond day 10 because I am trying to conceive, and one of the side effects of this drug is that it can elevate your blood pressure.  Another thing I am supposed to try is to lay down in the afternoon for 15-20 minutes in order to reset my cortisol. 

I told the NP about some other symptoms I have been having, and she thinks I may be experiencing hypoglycemia, so I am not supposed to have any simple sugars or fruit sugars before 11:00am.  Then, it is recommended that I have a high protein snack in the afternoon.   

So, this is the course of action I'm taking for now.  I am really hoping and praying that these adrenal problems can be remedied and are not the beginning of something more serious.  Although the NP did not allude to this being the development of a serious problem, as I was doing research on the adrenal system, of course, there were some more serious disorders that popped up.  I know I need to give this up to God and not let my thoughts carry me into unnecessary worry.  Could you please say a prayer for me?  Thank you so much.