Leading Up to the BFP

My TTC Timeline has more detailed information regarding all of the treatments I tried in order to improve my health and then conceive, but I wanted to highlight what I think made the most difference.

I hope that this information will help someone else in their journey.

When I first started receiving treatment from the Fertility Care Center, my cycles appeared completely normal.  I had previously asked some doctors who use the Marquette Method, to look over my charts, because I was testing out the Cle.arBlue Ea.sy Ovulation Monitors.  They did not see a problem.  After my FC Nurse Practitioner looked at my luteal phases, she thought that there was too much variation in the number of days.  I would say that the difference was pretty slight.  It wasn't until I had my hormones, etc. tested over a complete cycle that we started to solve the puzzle.  My Vitamin D levels were pitiful.  My thyroid numbers were "off."  (This led to me having an adrenal saliva test.)  My progesterone levels were extremely low.  Furthermore, even though my charts made it look as though I was ovulating, I probably was not.  I had ultrasounds during a few cycles, and during one of them, I presented with a hemorrhagic cyst.  Based on this information, the FC Nurse Practitioner suspected LUFS.  This is the reason that I started the Neupogen protocol.  I don't know if the Neupogen remedied my ovulation problem or not, but I did start ovulating on my own (still taking progesterone) before I had surgery.  For my adrenals/thyroid, I began taking Licorice Root, which increases the half-life of your body's cortisol.  I also took steps to improve my overall health and boost my adrenals.  I ate more fruits and vegetables.  I stopped drinking milk (I think I'm lactose intolerant).   I began taking naps (if I could) and lying down flat in the afternoon to reset my adrenals when I felt exhausted.  Also, it should be noted that I worked on my stress levels.  Some of the extreme stress I had undergone was circumstantial--and I wasn't able to control that in previous years, but I could work on my everyday stress brought on by perfectionism and lack of boundaries when it came to volunteering my time, etc.  Lastly, I took Vitamin D drops.

Now comes what I think really helped me conceive:

1. I had surgery to determine if I had endometriosis, etc..  Although endo was not confirmed, there was evidence of LOTS of inflammation.  That was all removed/vaporized.  Also, one of my tubes appeared to be partially blocked, so the doctor took care of that.

2. This is what I think probably played the largest role, but it's hard to prove, since I was trying other treatments:  the 21-course of antibiotics that my husband and I took.  My surgery also revealed micropolyps in my uterus that were likely caused by an infection.  Although the culture showed no infection, I had TEBB, which completely stopped after taking the antibiotics.  

3. Shortly before conceiving, I began taking Naltrexone.  Because of the inflammation in my abdomen and my low progesterone levels, my doctor and the Nurse Practitioner thought this would be a good medication to try.  Now I have to continue taking it throughout my pregnancy, which is a little scary, because I am not really the type of person who likes to take meds anyway...let alone during a pregnancy.  But, I know there is a lot of evidence that it is not harmful to babies.  I just pray there are no long-term consequences.

4. Time & Overall Improved Health.  Adrenals/thyroid problems take a lot of time to improve.  After my surgery, I checked into my thyroid/adrenals again.  They were still slightly "off."  I began taking Adren-All for only one cycle.  It is difficult to say if this really had the chance to help me that much.  If my thyroid/adrenals had improved enough for me to conceive, then it was probably due to the extended period of taking better care of myself, taking progesterone, Vitamin D & fish oil supplements, amending my diet, and my lowering my overall stress level.  Anyway, this area may be a HUGE factor.  I think knowing that I was being taken care of by a medical team that recognized my health problems (I wasn't making up my problems...and it wasn't all just due to me needing to "relax") and really "had my back," helped me to exhale.  I can't discount the effect their support had on my well-being.  Some would discount this next thought, but I would be remiss if I failed to mention that my reliance on God increased probably over 100%.  I learned about surrender in many new ways, and this also contributed to my well-being.

**I should also note that I did take Letrozole (same as Femara) around day three of every cycle after my surgery, so this could have played a role, too.  I just don't know if I should say it played a major role or not.

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So, there you have it!  This is what I went through, and it's what I tried.  I have no idea of what "cured" me, but most likely, it was a combination of things.  I don't think that leaving it alone would have helped me conceive, though.  Also, I doubt that I would be having as healthy of a pregnancy right now if I had used IVF instead.

Feel free to share your thoughts!

News to Share!

I have been struggling to write this post, because although I want it to give all of you IF'ers hope, I know it will pierce many of your hearts, and that makes me sad.

However, there is a season for everything, and this is my season to give thanks to God, because my innumerable prayers have been answered.  My husband and I have conceived after about four years of secondary infertility!

God, thank you so much.  I am extremely humbled by this gift you have given us, even if we never get to hold  this baby in our arms.  I know that I don't deserve it; I didn't do anything to earn it.  You give the gift of life freely, and I can't believe you entrusted this little one to me and my husband.  I just can't believe it.

I had resigned myself to the thought of having no more biological children.  When I took the pregnancy test, I just wanted to get it over with so I could move on with my life for another month.  I knew that it wasn't going to be positive, as it hadn't been for four years, except for once when I was duped by the hCG shot.  I KNEW it wasn't going to be positive.  I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw two lines.  "Nuh-uh!" I said out loud...to myself.  I called my husband and told him I had a positive test, but I didn't believe it.  I went to Wal.green's to pick up a second test, which I still didn't really believe.

I had blood work done, and my numbers looked really good, which was reassuring.  I had an early ultrasound, and I got to see the baby move his/her little hands and feet, and hear his/her heartbeat.

I'm so not worthy of this incredible gift.  I am going to lift up the rest of my pregnancies fears, anxieties, aches, and pains for those of you who are still waiting.  I don't know if God will bless you with a biological child or an adopted child or a "spiritual" child, but I pray that His plan be carried out to the full in your life.  I pray this intention with my entire being.

In case you are curious as to what treatments I had recently completed prior to conceiving, I will post that information in my next update.

Prayers for all of you, my dear sisters in Christ.

Secondary Infertility

Perhaps it seems unnecessary to some, but I need to write about secondary infertility.

I don't know how many of you are struggling with it, but I hope that sharing my thoughts will help those of you in the trenches of secondary infertility, as well as help bring understanding to those of you who have not experienced it.

When I first started this blog, I found the "Second Chances" blog, which is set to private right now.  (Otherwise, I would link to it.)  In the writer's pages, I read words that perfectly captured the sadness in my heart.

Second Chances wrote about some of the biggest struggles she faced in being a mother of one child and experiencing infertility.  The struggles I remember her mentioning most of all--the ones that brought tears to my eyes--were:

1. Not fitting in.
2. Not being able to see your child interact with siblings.

NOT FITTING IN
For the "not fitting in" category, I want to first say that all of you ladies have done a really good job of accepting me into this community.  I really appreciate it.  I know that I don't fully understand all of your journeys, because mine is different, but like TCIE recently said:

Even those of us who share the cross of infertility do not share the exact same burden.  Each cross is unique, as are we as humans.

So true.

Well, with the not fitting in, I mostly perceived said "not fitting in" during my interactions with other moms/couples with children, couple friends without children, and single friends.  I am not sure which group I have had the most in common with.  Sometimes, I felt more in sync with the moms/couples with children.  Other times, their frazzled, frantic lives seemed unrecognizable to me.  Sometimes I could relate to the friends without children better...but then they would do something like forget that finding a babysitter is not as simple as you may assume, and I would feel a million miles away from them.

With the moms/couples with multiple children, I have often felt like a "partial" mom (which sounds ridiculous!).  I have even had a friend say to me that "one child is an accessory; two children are life-changing" or something like that.  (Sometimes I just don't think she processes her thoughts before they come out.)  And it's hard not to feel obligated to be the room mom of your child's class when you are a stay-at-home mom of only one child who goes to school full-time.  Oh yeah...and then there is always that awkward and quite wounding moment when a mother who has been abundantly blessed asks about your "other children" (assuming you must have more somewhere)...or asks if you have "just one."  "Yes, he's my only," I say, smiling, while cringing inside.

NO SIBLINGS FOR YOUR CHILD
Another element of secondary infertility that has been a huge struggle for me is not being able to help give my son the gift of a sibling.  I grew up with two siblings, and I still get along with them.  They have been such a blessing in my life.  They were there when my parents divorced.  They have been there through many happy times.  They were there when my dad passed away.  They have been great supports and special friends.

I so, so, so desire for my son to have that, too.  Even though any siblings at this point would be quite far apart in age from him, I have hope that they would still be great gifts to one another.

~~~

I don't want to come across as being ungrateful for the child or the other innumerable blessings that I already have.  I know that many of you would be so very content with one child.  Sometimes, I come to a place of peace with that notion, too.  However, I know that, deep down, if I don't do what I must to try for another, whether that be through Napro.technology or via adoption, I will always wonder "what if?".

Prayer Buddy Reveal - Better Late Than Never

I'm a huge slacker!  Sorry, Carolynne from "Team of 3."  I just sent you an email about you being my Prayer Buddy a little while ago.  Thank you very much for posting your recipe and meal ideas on your blog, because they have been helpful to me.  I have found several new favorites, and I look forward to trying more in the future.

"Prayerful Journey" from the blog, "Living God's Will" prayed for me.  Thank you so much!  We had actually acquainted ourselves with each other shortly before the Advent Prayer Buddy time period began, so I was very surprised to get an e-mail from her!

Thank you to Mrs. Henderson from "The Henderson Story" for organizing the Advent Prayer Buddy event.  It is really awesome to be able to get to know other bloggers that I haven't necessarily been acquainted with.

How Infertility Has Changed My Life

Infertility/subfertility is really awful.  Everyone has a cross in their life, and this tends to be one of those more private crosses.  I am not saying that it is worse than others, because how can you really measure agony?  However, when a burden must be carried silently, with little help from loved ones, it can feel heavier.

I realize that when people are diagnosed with cancer and they have their CarePage or blog that they share with their families, they are only sharing a small amount of what they are struggling with.  Also, in those situations, they are often dealing with life and death issues.  I will not lie to you, though.  In the past, I did think about how nice it would be to share the sadness I experienced with IF with my loved ones in the way that some people with cancer share their journeys.

Instead, my journey is largely silent.  Over time, I let my guard down and shared aspects of this cross with some of my close family and friends.  Mostly, I conveyed the facts.  "I'm trying [insert treatment here] this cycle."  "I'm having surgery."  "My surgery went well.  The doctor found [this]."  Etc.  Sometimes, I would mention that it really sucked.  I rarely went deeper than that.  I realized that they probably didn't want to know the extent of my gut-wrenching sadness.  I longed to tell them some good news for once, so I often minimized my pain.

During these past few years, something has been happening within me.  It has occurred at a snail's pace, but now, looking back, I see the difference.  God has increased, and I have decreased.

I remember asking for this very thing in my prayers.  In moments of great confidence, I remember even thinking that I didn't care how He brought it about.  "Help me give you my life, God."

So, I have been allowed the privilege to walk beside Jesus for a little while--helping him carry his cross by shouldering this yoke.

I still have a long way to go, but my life has improved so much because of infertility.  I know some of you also have similar experiences with your faith.  You would never choose this cross, but in some ways, you may be very thankful for where it has taken you.

Do You Think I Had Endometriosis?

It doesn’t really bother me that much that the testing of the tissue samples came back as inconclusive (well, “not endo” for one sample and “maybe endo” for another).

I am pretty sure I had it.

In high school and college, my periods ruled my life.  Before the days of Aleve, I would wake up in the middle of the night, writhing in pain, after my Tylenol wore off.  I’m not sure why I didn’t try Advil.

Well, I can’t remember when Aleve hit the market, but when it did, it changed the game.  I could sleep through the night without waking up in pain.  I religiously took Aleve every 12 hours, because if I didn’t, I could not function.

One time, I had to run a mile for my Fitness for Life class in college.  I was out of shape, but also on my period.  It was the first time I experienced Aleve failing.  I think it was due to a combination of my physical activity, dehydration, and my period.  Well, I barely hobbled the track.  After I was finished, I pretty much collapsed onto the ground in pain.  My teacher was concerned, and asked if I was alright.  “Cramps,” I said.   “Water and stretching should help,” he said.  “Not those kind of cramps,” I quipped.

Well, afterwards, I spent what seemed like an hour in the locker room, alternating between laying in the fetal position and pacing up and down the locker-lined aisles.  One girl finally asked if I was okay.  I told her I had cramps.  I can’t remember if she expressed understanding or not.

One day in college, I forgot to take my medicine between my classes.  In the middle of a lecture, I started to feel pain.  I thought, “I’ll just tough it out.”  Yeah.  Instead, I left the classroom, went to the bathroom, took the medicine, and walked around the building in agony.  I ended up back in the bathroom, but never back to the class.  The teacher sent a classmate to check on me, which was embarrassing.

Nowadays, since my lap surgery, my period pain is manageable without medicine.  I still feel twinges every once in a while.  One time, I thought the pain was progressing and I would need to pop a pill, but then the pain diminished.

Before the surgery, I had agonizing pain.  Now I do not.

I think I had endometriosis.

Do you think I did?

Also, is it going to return?

Infertility in the Blogs

I came across this blog post regarding Catholicism and infertility on Ignitum Today, and I thought I would share it.

I especially like what Pope Benedict XVI is quoted as saying regarding treatment for infertility:

 “The Church pays great attention to the suffering of couples with infertility, she cares for them and, precisely because of this, encourages medical research.  The human and Christian dignity of procreation, consists not in a “product”, but in its connection with the conjugal act, an expression of love of the spouses, their union which is not only biological but also spiritual”.

I am so glad that the Catholic Church has been able to advance some really good science (Naprotechnology) even in the midst of sub-par medical care that is IVF.  Naprotechnology actually searches for the underlying health problems that cause sub/infertility and works towards a cure.  IVF is very similar to the Pill, in that it oftentimes is used to bypass fixing medical problems. If it weren't for Naprotechnology, I wouldn't have gotten to the bottom of some of my health problems.  I am so very thankful for the Catholic Church standing firm for what is right and good, even when it is not fast or easy.  I am thankful that even in the midst of our trials with infertility, my husband and I have rarely felt that we were doing something that was unnatural or forced.  If we are to help bring more children into this world, I don't want it to be because we have "forced" God's hand.  I don't want children to spring forth from us removed from our marital embrace, which is quite literally a renewal of our marriage vows.  Naprotechnology is an example of the good that science can offer.  Because of the Catholic Church's steadfastness, all women--Catholic and non-Catholic alike--can benefit from the fruits of some very good science.