Monday, April 23, 2012

Letting Go

Well, to make a long story short, this cycle, with its multiple ultrasounds and injections and countless hopes and prayers, has ended as the others have: with sadness and a sense of loss.

I even had a faint positive on a pregnancy test, but it seems this was possibly due to the hCG trigger shot.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.

Then I realize that I can't go on in this fashion another day.

The reason it is an unsustainable path is due to the fact that it is my path.  Even though I am using only licit means to try to achieve a pregnancy, I am doing so with the presumption (still...<sigh>) that God will most likely give me this baby that I want

It's hard to think about how there may be no more children for my husband and me.  But, how could I possibly know this?  I simply cannot.  No one but God knows what the future holds, so I need to give it over to Him--again and again.  It seems surrendering once or twice...or a handful of times is not sufficient. 

Father Michael Gaitley, in his book Consoling the Heart of Jesus offers thought-provoking and comforting words for me in this time of darkness:
Consequently, as far as we are concerned, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short life.  The same holds for all other things. 
Our one desire and choice should be what is more conducive to the end for which we are created.
Even though I will probably continue to desire having more children, because I was made to have this desire, I should not prefer fertility over subfertility.  I should prefer what God thinks is best for me...especially when it concerns what will lead me onto the path of holiness.

This is a lot to ponder.  It is good, because it brings me some peace.


  1. I am so sorry my friend! I know how it feels to do everything we can, only to see a BFN.

    And the father's words are definitely thought provoking. There isn't a single day that crosses without wishing for a child but I know I should be ready to accept God's plans however difficult it may be seem.

  2. I am so sorry. The end of a treatment cycle can be so devastating especially when new medications were being used. You are in my prayers to gain some peace and understanding.

  3. Thank you for your kind comments. It is very comforting to me to know that, unfortunate as it is, I am not alone.

  4. Oh, I'm so sorry, J. My heart broke for you just reading your post title. Those are some powerful words from Fr. Gaitley, though. I need to write them down. You're in my prayers. Let me know if I can do anything.

  5. Thank you for sharing Fr. Michael's words and the book he wrote.
    "I should prefer what God thinks is best for me...especially when it concerns what will lead me onto the path of holiness." ..... You have such clarity. It is hard to follow where God leads at times.
    Praying for you and for God's healing mercy for you and your family.

  6. Nicole & "All in His Perfect Timing" - Thank you so much for your compassionate words and for your prayers. I truly appreciate the support this community offers.