I even had a faint positive on a pregnancy test, but it seems this was possibly due to the hCG trigger shot.
Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.
Then I realize that I can't go on in this fashion another day.
The reason it is an unsustainable path is due to the fact that it is my path. Even though I am using only licit means to try to achieve a pregnancy, I am doing so with the presumption (still...<sigh>) that God will most likely give me this baby that I want.
It's hard to think about how there may be no more children for my husband and me. But, how could I possibly know this? I simply cannot. No one but God knows what the future holds, so I need to give it over to Him--again and again. It seems surrendering once or twice...or a handful of times is not sufficient.
Father Michael Gaitley, in his book Consoling the Heart of Jesus offers thought-provoking and comforting words for me in this time of darkness:
Consequently, as far as we are concerned, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short life. The same holds for all other things.
Our one desire and choice should be what is more conducive to the end for which we are created.Even though I will probably continue to desire having more children, because I was made to have this desire, I should not prefer fertility over subfertility. I should prefer what God thinks is best for me...especially when it concerns what will lead me onto the path of holiness.
This is a lot to ponder. It is good, because it brings me some peace.