Monday, April 23, 2012

Letting Go

Well, to make a long story short, this cycle, with its multiple ultrasounds and injections and countless hopes and prayers, has ended as the others have: with sadness and a sense of loss.

I even had a faint positive on a pregnancy test, but it seems this was possibly due to the hCG trigger shot.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.

Then I realize that I can't go on in this fashion another day.

The reason it is an unsustainable path is due to the fact that it is my path.  Even though I am using only licit means to try to achieve a pregnancy, I am doing so with the presumption (still...<sigh>) that God will most likely give me this baby that I want

It's hard to think about how there may be no more children for my husband and me.  But, how could I possibly know this?  I simply cannot.  No one but God knows what the future holds, so I need to give it over to Him--again and again.  It seems surrendering once or twice...or a handful of times is not sufficient. 

Father Michael Gaitley, in his book Consoling the Heart of Jesus offers thought-provoking and comforting words for me in this time of darkness:
Consequently, as far as we are concerned, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short life.  The same holds for all other things. 
Our one desire and choice should be what is more conducive to the end for which we are created.
Even though I will probably continue to desire having more children, because I was made to have this desire, I should not prefer fertility over subfertility.  I should prefer what God thinks is best for me...especially when it concerns what will lead me onto the path of holiness.

This is a lot to ponder.  It is good, because it brings me some peace.