It's amazing how surprised I still become of my grief upon discovering I am not pregnant again.
I guess one thing to be grateful about regarding being caught off guard is that it makes me realize how hopeful I still am during the remainder of my cycle.
Speaking of being grateful, my husband and I had a pow-wow last night, and he gave me some much needed advice. It was in response to my question about how to go on when it seems we may never have more children. He reminded me about gratitude. He said I need to thank God for my blessings in the morning and before I go to bed.
It is true. I have been abandoning this necessity.
I was catching up on Matching Moonhead's blogs, and she had a very thoughtful post on anger and resentment. One of her commenters recommended a book that I have read based on a glowing review from Eliz.abeth F.oss (I think). It is called One Thousand Gifts, and it is a wonderful read. The author is not Catholic, though most of her interpretations are in line with Catholic teaching (except for the full understanding of what 'Eucharist' is). I believe it is time to pick up my pen and notebook and begin to jot down the things I am thankful for. God has given me so much, and I want to not only recognize this, but also offer these gifts (good and so-called "bad") to Him. My life is not my own. If I remember this, perhaps I will not despair so much should I experience another month of sub/infertility.
I am currently praying the Padre Pio Novena. I'm on day two, and Padre Pio's words truly comfort me at this moment of my life, especially after yesterday. He said:
"Have courage and do not fear the assaults of the devil. Remember this forever; it is a healthy sign if the devil shouts and roars around your conscience, since this shows that he is not inside your will."
Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in You!