Monday, August 22, 2011

Does It Really Matter?

This question is what gets me through days like today.

I am not giving up hope, and I'm not trying to "take control" by not attempting to conceive anymore.  However, the simple question, "Does it really matter?" helps me to find perspective.  This question helps me when I'm crampy, bloated, and suffering from the menstrual blues.  This question lifts me up when the Catholic radio stations and podcasts concentrate on the beauty of large families.  This question prevents me from crying at beginning-of-the-year Catholic school picnics where we are the only couple with an only child.

Why doesn't it really matter?

If I'm open to life and God's will in my life, and I'm trying my best to live out God's will for me, why does it matter if I have more babies?  Yes, I still yearn for them, but when I die, will it matter in Heaven?  No.  I don't think so.  What will matter is how I deal with the pain.  What matters is what I do with my life should God's answer to my prayers be "No."

I am very blessed to have my son.  I really am.  While this reality doesn't lessen my grief of being unable to conceive, it does nudge me in the right direction. 

Today and tomorrow and the next day, I want to focus on what God wants me to focus on.  I am aware of some of these focal points, but others will require discernment.  Today, I think I'm supposed to be thankful for what I have, which is all gift.  I am supposed to offer up my suffering for others and be united to Jesus on the Cross.  I think I'm also supposed to focus outwardly--on what others need, but I'm not sure about the specifics of this yet.

How do you deal with repeated disappointment and sadness?  How do you get out of your slumps?  Do you feel God's hand in your life, despite these disappointments and sadness?