This question is what gets me through days like today.
I am not giving up hope, and I'm not trying to "take control" by not attempting to conceive anymore. However, the simple question, "Does it really matter?" helps me to find perspective. This question helps me when I'm crampy, bloated, and suffering from the menstrual blues. This question lifts me up when the Catholic radio stations and podcasts concentrate on the beauty of large families. This question prevents me from crying at beginning-of-the-year Catholic school picnics where we are the only couple with an only child.
Why doesn't it really matter?
If I'm open to life and God's will in my life, and I'm trying my best to live out God's will for me, why does it matter if I have more babies? Yes, I still yearn for them, but when I die, will it matter in Heaven? No. I don't think so. What will matter is how I deal with the pain. What matters is what I do with my life should God's answer to my prayers be "No."
I am very blessed to have my son. I really am. While this reality doesn't lessen my grief of being unable to conceive, it does nudge me in the right direction.
Today and tomorrow and the next day, I want to focus on what God wants me to focus on. I am aware of some of these focal points, but others will require discernment. Today, I think I'm supposed to be thankful for what I have, which is all gift. I am supposed to offer up my suffering for others and be united to Jesus on the Cross. I think I'm also supposed to focus outwardly--on what others need, but I'm not sure about the specifics of this yet.
How do you deal with repeated disappointment and sadness? How do you get out of your slumps? Do you feel God's hand in your life, despite these disappointments and sadness?
You are spot on! Turning outward and focusing on others' needs is, I think, the best way of overcoming our grief. Plus, it's what we should all be doing anyway.
ReplyDeleteI learned to do that more during our years of secondary IF. I got very involved with helping at church and anywhere I could. And I'd bring my son with so that he wasn't on his own so much.
I'm so sorry that you're battling secondary IF. It's such a difficult journey for everyone, including the child. And so prone to judgement because if you have one, you must just not want anymore! Yuck. I ALWAYS felt judged. One benefit to it is that it forces you to forget what other people think (over time) and also gives you a whole new set of eyes for how judgemental you are of others (also over time!). I pray that this journey is very fruitful for you and your family, even though it is SO difficult.
prayers for you as you move forward in your journey!
ReplyDeleteI agree with SC. And all of the situations you mention are the reason I'm trying to start a Catholic IF support group in my diocese. I so worry there are others out there like us who don't have the support they need.
ReplyDeleteI totally second SC's last paragraph, too. It's like we're stuck in this limbo where no one on either side really "gets" us. Prayers that this struggle ends very soon for you!
I am praying for you but I think you are right. In the end all that matters is how you carry the cross you have been given and how grateful you are for your precious gift. Someone the other day told me I was lucky because at least I had one child. Many can't even have one. Really that is sooooo true. I am blessed beyond what I deserve with my one perfect little boy who is an immeasurable gift I don't deserve.
ReplyDeleteI love your outlook! I need to look at life like this too.
ReplyDelete