My husband and I married at very young ages. We knew we wanted to use Natural Family Planning (Billings) and not the Pill or any other type of contraception. Because I had received a certain scholarship that required me to work in my field for four years to "pay it back," we decided to abstain from trying to achieve a pregnancy. Our plan was for me to stay home with our children when they were young. In theory, we were open to receiving a surprise pregnancy, though.
No surprise pregnancy occured. It's unknown if that's because we were really careful or if we just weren't very fertile at the time. We never broke any of the NFP rules--to our knowledge--so it's hard to say.
During my final year of "paying back" my scholarship, we decided to try to achieve pregnancy. After a couple months of trying, my dad had a massive heart attack while at work and passed away immediately. My parents were divorced, and my father never remarried. I am the oldest of my siblings, so much of the responsibility fell to me and my husband. It was stressful, to say the least, but we never stopped trying to conceive.
Several months later, my grief lessened, and we conceived. Our healthy son was born full-term. Thank you, God!
Sometime after our son turned one, we decided to be less careful about avoiding pregnancy. We "kind of" tried to conceive a month here or there before we found out we were moving overseas. This was also a huge stressor for us. We tried off and on again...not very seriously due to the possibility of traveling back home to see family during a certain time frame. Unfortunately, we were prematurely sent back to our country of origin, which caused increased stress again.
After trying to conceive for "12 months in a row," we were finally able to seek out some medical assistance. Oh yeah...after we moved yet again.
Time has passed in the strangest of ways. Sometimes, it is as a laggard while I wait for my so-called fertile window and a desired missed period. At other times, I panic at the amount of time that has lapsed since we began trying--and the amount of time we may have left before I reach menopause. It feels as though time is slipping away! Waiting for appointment openings can feel like an eternity, too.
The waiting and the wondering are difficult, but I know that these sufferings are helping me to become a better person. I feel like God is chiseling away unhealthy pieces with these crosses. In the moment, it is agonizingly painful. Afterwards, with a wider view, I find meaning, peace, and gratitude for the way in which God is taking care of me.
I hope that the medical community can help my husband and me figure out if there's something we can remedy. If there's nothing that can be done, we may go the route of adoption. I haven't researched it yet, but I have heard the process of adopting can be trying...and heartbreaking, too. There's also the possibility that God is calling me to something else. Please pray that God will reveal His plan for me...for both of us.
I am truly, truly grateful for the child God has gifted us with. We feel honored that He has entrusted this little soul to us. We want to do our best in taking care of him. However, the desire to have more children remains. At this point, I even desire a much larger family than I ever imagined I would. I yearn for more children for my husband and me and also for our son. We really do wish to give him the gift of siblings. Having experienced the death of a parent, I cannot tell you how blessed I felt to have my sister and brother to lean on during that time. It was paramount in the healing process for me. I don't want my son to grow up without at least one sister or brother. But, I also realize that God can support my son through friendships and other family members.
Father's words about giving up my presumptions that I am meant to have more children have been resonating in my mind. That really, really stuck with me. It was such a gift from God to hear that. I don't think anything else has been as healing to me as what he said. I hope the memory of his words don't fade.
That's all for now. As my husband and I discover more on the medical side, I'm sure I'll have updates.
