I had a really hard evening after my monthly visitor reared her ugly head.
DH was out with co-workers for some drinks, so I didn't tell him until after he got home, which was after midnight. I have been accused of trying to guilt him out of his infrequent nights out with the guys, so instead of being a bummer before his celebration, I was a complete and utter wet blanket afterwards. This was also an undesirable situation, to say the least.
I was completely too overtired and hormonal to be thinking clearly enough to express my emotions in a healthy manner to DH or to myself.
I guess I did the worst thing, which was to claim and believe that this is all harder on me than it is on him.
I know that guys are different. They process emotions in different ways than ladies do. I think I need to read up on a guys' perspective in dealing with his own/his wife's infertility. It would probably be helpful to me.
Long story short, I decided to go to Reconciliation the next day. I was caught in an unhealthy thinking pattern. I had actually known the previous weekend that I was in need of going to Reconcilation, but I just ignored that little voice. I should have heeded, because now I can see why I needed to be in better spiritual health.
Father was so kind to see me on a moment's notice, even though he was really busy. I don't like to ask favors of people, but I felt certain that if he was available, I needed to be absolved sooner rather than later. Jesus (via Father) had a lot to say to me, and it was all very wise and loving. Probably the best thing he revealed to me was that my sin wasn't despair, as I had thought. It was PRESUMPTION. That is why this has all been so very hard for me. He told me that it's not that we need to give up trying or hope or any of that. It's just that we need to be okay with the gifts that God is choosing to give to us--in God's timing. (He told me this much more eloquently than I can.) Of course, I still desire having more children, but for some reason, hearing these truths from him seemed to click this time.
Maybe my peace with this will wear off after a while. I guess that's quite likely. I will cross that bridge when I get there, I suppose.
I just feel like I've been trying to get to this place of acceptance for such a long time. Thank you, God, for your gift of the Sacrament of Reconciliation!