Letting Go

Well, to make a long story short, this cycle, with its multiple ultrasounds and injections and countless hopes and prayers, has ended as the others have: with sadness and a sense of loss.

I even had a faint positive on a pregnancy test, but it seems this was possibly due to the hCG trigger shot.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.

Then I realize that I can't go on in this fashion another day.

The reason it is an unsustainable path is due to the fact that it is my path.  Even though I am using only licit means to try to achieve a pregnancy, I am doing so with the presumption (still...<sigh>) that God will most likely give me this baby that I want. 

It's hard to think about how there may be no more children for my husband and me.  But, how could I possibly know this?  I simply cannot.  No one but God knows what the future holds, so I need to give it over to Him--again and again.  It seems surrendering once or twice...or a handful of times is not sufficient. 

Father Michael Gaitley, in his book Consoling the Heart of Jesus offers thought-provoking and comforting words for me in this time of darkness:

Consequently, as far as we are concerned, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short life.  The same holds for all other things. 

Our one desire and choice should be what is more conducive to the end for which we are created.

Even though I will probably continue to desire having more children, because I was made to have this desire, I should not prefer fertility over subfertility.  I should prefer what God thinks is best for me...especially when it concerns what will lead me onto the path of holiness.

This is a lot to ponder.  It is good, because it brings me some peace.

Break Over. Next Step--Neupogen!

I just had a BIG break from fertility treatments and blogging.

We are planning on picking up with Napro again next cycle.

My doctor wants to do a couple trials of Neupogen, so I am trying to gather information about that.

If you have tried it or have any info you can share about it, I would appreciate your input!

Thanks!

Prayer Buddy Reveal

My life has kind of been a whirlwind the past few weeks as my church has started a new young adult group.  I have been helping out a lot.  It's been good, because I feel like God drew me to it.  I have more flexibility with my time than other young adults in our church since I am a stay-at-home mom, and my son is in preschool for half days most days of the week.  It's been such a blessing to me.  I think it was a big blessing to quite a few young people in our area since we had our first event tonight.

This leads me to my reveal.  I have been praying for J. at Ask and It Will Be Given.  I have really enjoyed J.'s posts and her site.  She is such a spiritual person.  J., I have been offering up your intentions during Mass, Adoration, and during my daily prayers.  Tonight, I offered up your intentions to Jesus during Exposition and Benediction at our young adult event.  May you always have such abundant peace and love in your heart!

Now I'm going to see if I can find out who has been praying for me!!!

Offering It Up

BFN today.

My instinct is to just numb the pain with television or other distractions, but a little voice inside my head reminded me of the good use I can make of this suffering.  So I offer this pain and disappointment for the fellow IF blogger I am praying for right now.  I offer it up for all of you IF'ers and those of you who are currently pregnant, as well as those of you who have been blessed and now struggle in motherhood.  I also offer up my suffering for our Church and our priests and all my loved ones.  I know these prayers are efficacious, and although this really hurts, I am glad to be able to do it.

We sang In Christ Alone by Ge.tty and Town.send again this past Sunday, and I can't get over how powerful the words and music are.  I will end with the final verse, which lifts me up and gives me hope:

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
this is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
can ever pluck me from his hand;
Till he returns or calls me home,
here in power of Christ I'll stand.

First HCG Shot

I just got my first HCG shot on Friday.  It wasn't too painful.  I read about some of the side effects online, but I'm wondering if it can cause sleep disturbances.  The past two nights, I have woken up multiple times.  I noticed that I woke up several times during the night when I was on progesterone, too.  Perhaps, it is my body's reaction to coming off the licorice root, which I think would help me to sleep better at night, since it increases the half-life of cortisol.  I only take licorice root for the first 10 days of my cycle, since a side effect can be increased blood pressure (which is bad if you become pregnant, of course).

I am cautiously hopeful about this treatment.  The nurse mentioned that it can take a few tries before the HCG works. 

I just hope I don't have another hemhorragic cyst like I did two cycles ago.  I am pretty sure that, although not confirmed by ultrasound, I had one on my right side last cycle.  I wonder if cysts on the ovaries are hereditary, because my sister had terrible pains in her side about a month ago and found out that she had ovarian cysts that burst...on both sides. 

Well, I am praying for a miracle, but also the grace to withstand my disappointment if this cycle doesn't end the way I desire. 

Prayer Buddy, I could really use your prayers right now.  : ) Thank you so much.

Does It Really Matter?

This question is what gets me through days like today.

I am not giving up hope, and I'm not trying to "take control" by not attempting to conceive anymore.  However, the simple question, "Does it really matter?" helps me to find perspective.  This question helps me when I'm crampy, bloated, and suffering from the menstrual blues.  This question lifts me up when the Catholic radio stations and podcasts concentrate on the beauty of large families.  This question prevents me from crying at beginning-of-the-year Catholic school picnics where we are the only couple with an only child.

Why doesn't it really matter?

If I'm open to life and God's will in my life, and I'm trying my best to live out God's will for me, why does it matter if I have more babies?  Yes, I still yearn for them, but when I die, will it matter in Heaven?  No.  I don't think so.  What will matter is how I deal with the pain.  What matters is what I do with my life should God's answer to my prayers be "No."

I am very blessed to have my son.  I really am.  While this reality doesn't lessen my grief of being unable to conceive, it does nudge me in the right direction. 

Today and tomorrow and the next day, I want to focus on what God wants me to focus on.  I am aware of some of these focal points, but others will require discernment.  Today, I think I'm supposed to be thankful for what I have, which is all gift.  I am supposed to offer up my suffering for others and be united to Jesus on the Cross.  I think I'm also supposed to focus outwardly--on what others need, but I'm not sure about the specifics of this yet.

How do you deal with repeated disappointment and sadness?  How do you get out of your slumps?  Do you feel God's hand in your life, despite these disappointments and sadness?

The Discipline of Contentment

I was catching up on some older podcasts yesterday, and I happened upon espisode 183 of  "Per.sonally Spe.aking" with Monsignor Ji.m Li.sante.  He interviewed Tony H.ale who played "Buster" on the T.V. show Arr.ested Dev.elopment.  They talked about the difficulties of being a Christian in Hollywood, and it was a fairly interesting interview; however, the end was what blew me away.  At around 15 minutes into the program, Monsignor asked Tony a question that was basically, "Looking back on your life, is there anything that you wish you would have tried to do differently?"  To.ny replied that he would have practiced the "discipline of contentment" more.  He explained that much of his life was spent saying "when this happens..." or "when I get the show..."  He continued that "...even when you get what you really want, you [won't] be able to enjoy it, because you haven't been practicing contentment." 

The part that made me certain I was going to blog about the interview was when he said:

"...because whatever it is, you know, marriage or babies, you know, getting a certain job--people always think this one thing is going to completely satisfy."

So true.

He explained that being grateful and happy with what you have "...is a discipline--something that you have to practice..."

Very good.

I know it's something I struggle with. 

Have you ever thought that your life would be complete if you only had a baby?  Do you feel that you miss/missed the other good things in life while you are/were focused on becoming pregnant, etc.?  How do you practice contentment in your life?