Now That THAT'S Over...

Yesterday was hard.

It's amazing how surprised I still become of my grief upon discovering I am not pregnant again. 

I guess one thing to be grateful about regarding being caught off guard is that it makes me realize how hopeful I still am during the remainder of my cycle. 

Speaking of being grateful, my husband and I had a pow-wow last night, and he gave me some much needed advice.  It was in response to my question about how to go on when it seems we may never have more children.  He reminded me about gratitude.  He said I need to thank God for my blessings in the morning and before I go to bed. 

Yes.

It is true.  I have been abandoning this necessity. 

I was catching up on Matching Moonhead's blogs, and she had a very thoughtful post on anger and resentment.  One of her commenters recommended a book that I have read based on a glowing review from Eliz.abeth F.oss (I think).  It is called One Thousand Gifts, and it is a wonderful read.  The author is not Catholic, though most of her interpretations are in line with Catholic teaching (except for the full understanding of what 'Eucharist' is).  I believe it is time to pick up my pen and notebook and begin to jot down the things I am thankful for.  God has given me so much, and I want to not only recognize this, but also offer these gifts (good and so-called "bad") to Him.  My life is not my own.  If I remember this, perhaps I will not despair so much should I experience another month of sub/infertility.

 I am currently praying the Padre Pio Novena.  I'm on day two, and Padre Pio's words truly comfort me at this moment of my life, especially after yesterday.  He said:

"Have courage and do not fear the assaults of the devil.  Remember this forever; it is a healthy sign if the devil shouts and roars around your conscience, since this shows that he is not inside your will."

Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in You!

This Stinks

So many times, I have gotten to the end of my cycle and thought that this sub/infertility has to end sometime.  So many times, I have been more hopeful than I should have been.  If feels like this should have ended by now.

So many times, I have thought, "How much more of this can I really take?" 

Oh, God:

I know that in my weakness, I decrease and You increase--if I am open to this. 

I don't want to be prideful and try to take my fertility into my own hands, even if I am doing everything in the "approved" way.

I don't want to believe the lies that float through my head.  I know that I am not suffering this cross because I am less worthy than all of my other friends who are blessed with multiple children.  But, why do I let it linger in my mind at times?  Is it because I am already vulnerable due to my menstrual symptoms of fatigue, mental fogginess, feelings of depression, and physical pain?

I don't want to believe the worst lie of all that I am hearing in my mind--that I am suffering this cross because You don't love me.

Nonsense!

Lord, I know you are with me.  I know that I can never understand the vastness of your love for me and for all people.  I know this suffering is part of  being a human being and a follower of Christ.  Help me to trust in your providence.

St. Michael, the Archangel, defend us in battle.  Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.  May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits that wonder through the world seeking the ruin of souls.  Amen.

Tomorrow

I have been taking progesterone supplements from peak day +3 through +12 for the past three months now.  Although this has not resulted in a pregnancy thus far, it has seemed to make my cycle even more predictable.  For example, right now, I am on peak +14, which means that I am probably going to start my period tomorrow, since I have for the past two cycles.  I feel like I am going to, because I'm all crampy.  Also, I have been quite emotional the past few days.  Luckily, another good effect from the progesterone is that I am less emotional during this premenstrual time.  I am thankful for that.

My family recently went on a fun vacation, and being outside more often has helped to clear my head somewhat, so I'm hoping I'm ready to blog a little bit more in the near future.