Infertility/subfertility is really awful. Everyone has a cross in their life, and this tends to be one of those more private crosses. I am not saying that it is worse than others, because how can you really measure agony? However, when a burden must be carried silently, with little help from loved ones, it can feel heavier.
I realize that when people are diagnosed with cancer and they have their CarePage or blog that they share with their families, they are only sharing a small amount of what they are struggling with. Also, in those situations, they are often dealing with life and death issues. I will not lie to you, though. In the past, I did think about how nice it would be to share the sadness I experienced with IF with my loved ones in the way that some people with cancer share their journeys.
Instead, my journey is largely silent. Over time, I let my guard down and shared aspects of this cross with some of my close family and friends. Mostly, I conveyed the facts. "I'm trying [insert treatment here] this cycle." "I'm having surgery." "My surgery went well. The doctor found [this]." Etc. Sometimes, I would mention that it really sucked. I rarely went deeper than that. I realized that they probably didn't want to know the extent of my gut-wrenching sadness. I longed to tell them some good news for once, so I often minimized my pain.
During these past few years, something has been happening within me. It has occurred at a snail's pace, but now, looking back, I see the difference. God has increased, and I have decreased.
I remember asking for this very thing in my prayers. In moments of great confidence, I remember even thinking that I didn't care how He brought it about. "Help me give you my life, God."
So, I have been allowed the privilege to walk beside Jesus for a little while--helping him carry his cross by shouldering this yoke.
I still have a long way to go, but my life has improved so much because of infertility. I know some of you also have similar experiences with your faith. You would never choose this cross, but in some ways, you may be very thankful for where it has taken you.
Amen! It is a sad cross indeed but it is meant to bring life in one way or another.
ReplyDeleteAmen! In so many ways, the way my life has turned out is not what I would have chosen. But God has used this in my life in ways I couldn't imagine and wouldn't give up. Not to say that I wouldn't still change it now, if I could, but I wouldn't go back and rewrite the way my life has been.
ReplyDeleteThis was just so perfectly written. It is everything and more that I've been feeling lately. Thank you for writing this.
ReplyDeleteSo well written. I have felt the same. I would not wish this cross on my worst enemies. But I am not sorry, I am have gone/am going through this. It has brought me into the Catholic Church and strengthened my relationship with God.
ReplyDeleteI too carry this cross mostly silently. While I do have quite a few friends who read my blog, I know that when they see me in person, they probably think I make up a lot of what's on my blog because I just don't talk about how painful it is. Much like you, the "technical" details are what I share, and if I do share the emotional details, it is in words only, my choleric personality allows me to keep the emotions buried deep when I need to.
ReplyDeleteThank-you for sharing this, it's a nice reminder that I'm not alone.