Prayer Buddy Reveal

My life has kind of been a whirlwind the past few weeks as my church has started a new young adult group.  I have been helping out a lot.  It's been good, because I feel like God drew me to it.  I have more flexibility with my time than other young adults in our church since I am a stay-at-home mom, and my son is in preschool for half days most days of the week.  It's been such a blessing to me.  I think it was a big blessing to quite a few young people in our area since we had our first event tonight.

This leads me to my reveal.  I have been praying for J. at Ask and It Will Be Given.  I have really enjoyed J.'s posts and her site.  She is such a spiritual person.  J., I have been offering up your intentions during Mass, Adoration, and during my daily prayers.  Tonight, I offered up your intentions to Jesus during Exposition and Benediction at our young adult event.  May you always have such abundant peace and love in your heart!

Now I'm going to see if I can find out who has been praying for me!!!

Offering It Up

BFN today.

My instinct is to just numb the pain with television or other distractions, but a little voice inside my head reminded me of the good use I can make of this suffering.  So I offer this pain and disappointment for the fellow IF blogger I am praying for right now.  I offer it up for all of you IF'ers and those of you who are currently pregnant, as well as those of you who have been blessed and now struggle in motherhood.  I also offer up my suffering for our Church and our priests and all my loved ones.  I know these prayers are efficacious, and although this really hurts, I am glad to be able to do it.

We sang In Christ Alone by Ge.tty and Town.send again this past Sunday, and I can't get over how powerful the words and music are.  I will end with the final verse, which lifts me up and gives me hope:

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
this is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
can ever pluck me from his hand;
Till he returns or calls me home,
here in power of Christ I'll stand.

First HCG Shot

I just got my first HCG shot on Friday.  It wasn't too painful.  I read about some of the side effects online, but I'm wondering if it can cause sleep disturbances.  The past two nights, I have woken up multiple times.  I noticed that I woke up several times during the night when I was on progesterone, too.  Perhaps, it is my body's reaction to coming off the licorice root, which I think would help me to sleep better at night, since it increases the half-life of cortisol.  I only take licorice root for the first 10 days of my cycle, since a side effect can be increased blood pressure (which is bad if you become pregnant, of course).

I am cautiously hopeful about this treatment.  The nurse mentioned that it can take a few tries before the HCG works.

I just hope I don't have another hemhorragic cyst like I did two cycles ago.  I am pretty sure that, although not confirmed by ultrasound, I had one on my right side last cycle.  I wonder if cysts on the ovaries are hereditary, because my sister had terrible pains in her side about a month ago and found out that she had ovarian cysts that burst...on both sides.

Well, I am praying for a miracle, but also the grace to withstand my disappointment if this cycle doesn't end the way I desire.

Prayer Buddy, I could really use your prayers right now.  : ) Thank you so much.

Does It Really Matter?

This question is what gets me through days like today.

I am not giving up hope, and I'm not trying to "take control" by not attempting to conceive anymore.  However, the simple question, "Does it really matter?" helps me to find perspective.  This question helps me when I'm crampy, bloated, and suffering from the menstrual blues.  This question lifts me up when the Catholic radio stations and podcasts concentrate on the beauty of large families.  This question prevents me from crying at beginning-of-the-year Catholic school picnics where we are the only couple with an only child.

Why doesn't it really matter?

If I'm open to life and God's will in my life, and I'm trying my best to live out God's will for me, why does it matter if I have more babies?  Yes, I still yearn for them, but when I die, will it matter in Heaven?  No.  I don't think so.  What will matter is how I deal with the pain.  What matters is what I do with my life should God's answer to my prayers be "No."

I am very blessed to have my son.  I really am.  While this reality doesn't lessen my grief of being unable to conceive, it does nudge me in the right direction. 

Today and tomorrow and the next day, I want to focus on what God wants me to focus on.  I am aware of some of these focal points, but others will require discernment.  Today, I think I'm supposed to be thankful for what I have, which is all gift.  I am supposed to offer up my suffering for others and be united to Jesus on the Cross.  I think I'm also supposed to focus outwardly--on what others need, but I'm not sure about the specifics of this yet.

How do you deal with repeated disappointment and sadness?  How do you get out of your slumps?  Do you feel God's hand in your life, despite these disappointments and sadness?

The Discipline of Contentment

I was catching up on some older podcasts yesterday, and I happened upon espisode 183 of  "Per.sonally Spe.aking" with Monsignor Ji.m Li.sante.  He interviewed Tony H.ale who played "Buster" on the T.V. show Arr.ested Dev.elopment.  They talked about the difficulties of being a Christian in Hollywood, and it was a fairly interesting interview; however, the end was what blew me away.  At around 15 minutes into the program, Monsignor asked Tony a question that was basically, "Looking back on your life, is there anything that you wish you would have tried to do differently?"  To.ny replied that he would have practiced the "discipline of contentment" more.  He explained that much of his life was spent saying "when this happens..." or "when I get the show..."  He continued that "...even when you get what you really want, you [won't] be able to enjoy it, because you haven't been practicing contentment." 

The part that made me certain I was going to blog about the interview was when he said:

"...because whatever it is, you know, marriage or babies, you know, getting a certain job--people always think this one thing is going to completely satisfy."

So true.

He explained that being grateful and happy with what you have "...is a discipline--something that you have to practice..."

Very good.

I know it's something I struggle with. 

Have you ever thought that your life would be complete if you only had a baby?  Do you feel that you miss/missed the other good things in life while you are/were focused on becoming pregnant, etc.?  How do you practice contentment in your life?

Hemorrhagic Cyst

I had an appointment with my FCP (FertilityCare Practitioner) this past Friday, and we decided to do a sonogram since it was probably my peak day.

There was a mature follicle at that time, so they asked me to come back on Monday.  On Monday, it was still unruptured, so they asked me to come back for another sono today. 

I just had the sono, and the technician said that the follicle has changed into a hemorrhagic cyst.  I talked to my FCP, and she says that it's hard to say if this is typical or not. 

DH and I need to discuss when we're both going to be available during one of my upcoming cycles, so my follicle can be monitored.  Then I can get an inter muscular injection of HCG, which should help me to ovulate. 

DH is awesome.  He reminded me that even though this is hard, it seems like we are on the right path.  He told me that he is proud of me for going down this path, even though it is tough.  He said he feels good about what we're doing, because we're doing the right thing. 

New Study on Predicting Miscarriage

I got a "Getting Pregnant Bulletin" from BabyCenter, and they included an article from Reuters about a recent British study.  The researchers claimed to discover an accurate way to predict miscarriage in a pregnant woman.  I thought all of you would find it interesting.

Now That THAT'S Over...

Yesterday was hard.

It's amazing how surprised I still become of my grief upon discovering I am not pregnant again. 

I guess one thing to be grateful about regarding being caught off guard is that it makes me realize how hopeful I still am during the remainder of my cycle. 

Speaking of being grateful, my husband and I had a pow-wow last night, and he gave me some much needed advice.  It was in response to my question about how to go on when it seems we may never have more children.  He reminded me about gratitude.  He said I need to thank God for my blessings in the morning and before I go to bed. 

Yes.

It is true.  I have been abandoning this necessity. 

I was catching up on Matching Moonhead's blogs, and she had a very thoughtful post on anger and resentment.  One of her commenters recommended a book that I have read based on a glowing review from Eliz.abeth F.oss (I think).  It is called One Thousand Gifts, and it is a wonderful read.  The author is not Catholic, though most of her interpretations are in line with Catholic teaching (except for the full understanding of what 'Eucharist' is).  I believe it is time to pick up my pen and notebook and begin to jot down the things I am thankful for.  God has given me so much, and I want to not only recognize this, but also offer these gifts (good and so-called "bad") to Him.  My life is not my own.  If I remember this, perhaps I will not despair so much should I experience another month of sub/infertility.

 I am currently praying the Padre Pio Novena.  I'm on day two, and Padre Pio's words truly comfort me at this moment of my life, especially after yesterday.  He said:

"Have courage and do not fear the assaults of the devil.  Remember this forever; it is a healthy sign if the devil shouts and roars around your conscience, since this shows that he is not inside your will."

Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in You!

This Stinks

So many times, I have gotten to the end of my cycle and thought that this sub/infertility has to end sometime.  So many times, I have been more hopeful than I should have been.  If feels like this should have ended by now.

So many times, I have thought, "How much more of this can I really take?" 

Oh, God:

I know that in my weakness, I decrease and You increase--if I am open to this. 

I don't want to be prideful and try to take my fertility into my own hands, even if I am doing everything in the "approved" way.

I don't want to believe the lies that float through my head.  I know that I am not suffering this cross because I am less worthy than all of my other friends who are blessed with multiple children.  But, why do I let it linger in my mind at times?  Is it because I am already vulnerable due to my menstrual symptoms of fatigue, mental fogginess, feelings of depression, and physical pain?

I don't want to believe the worst lie of all that I am hearing in my mind--that I am suffering this cross because You don't love me.

Nonsense!

Lord, I know you are with me.  I know that I can never understand the vastness of your love for me and for all people.  I know this suffering is part of  being a human being and a follower of Christ.  Help me to trust in your providence.

St. Michael, the Archangel, defend us in battle.  Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.  May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits that wonder through the world seeking the ruin of souls.  Amen.

Tomorrow

I have been taking progesterone supplements from peak day +3 through +12 for the past three months now.  Although this has not resulted in a pregnancy thus far, it has seemed to make my cycle even more predictable.  For example, right now, I am on peak +14, which means that I am probably going to start my period tomorrow, since I have for the past two cycles.  I feel like I am going to, because I'm all crampy.  Also, I have been quite emotional the past few days.  Luckily, another good effect from the progesterone is that I am less emotional during this premenstrual time.  I am thankful for that.

My family recently went on a fun vacation, and being outside more often has helped to clear my head somewhat, so I'm hoping I'm ready to blog a little bit more in the near future.

Adrenal Fatigue

First of all, no baby this month.  : (

I was pretty upset for a while, but I had another appointment with my FertilityCare NP (nurse practitioner) yesterday, and now I have more information about what is causing my hormone imbalances.

Let me recap:  My thyroid hormones are abnormal, as are my progesterone levels.  I started progesterone support last cycle.  In order to get a clearer picture regarding my thyroid, my NP recommended a couple more tests.  This was to determine what is causing my thyroid hormone abnormality. 

The findings from the cortisol saliva test are that my cortisol levels are normal in the morning, but are too low at mid-day and afternoon.  Then, at night, my cortisol levels are too high.  This is a sign of an adrenal problem.  The NP described mine as "adrenal fatigue."

In order to remedy this, I am starting licorice root upon waking and at noon through CD 10 in order to increase the half-life of my cortisol (keep it in my system longer).  I am not supposed to take the licorice root beyond day 10 because I am trying to conceive, and one of the side effects of this drug is that it can elevate your blood pressure.  Another thing I am supposed to try is to lay down in the afternoon for 15-20 minutes in order to reset my cortisol. 

I told the NP about some other symptoms I have been having, and she thinks I may be experiencing hypoglycemia, so I am not supposed to have any simple sugars or fruit sugars before 11:00am.  Then, it is recommended that I have a high protein snack in the afternoon.   

So, this is the course of action I'm taking for now.  I am really hoping and praying that these adrenal problems can be remedied and are not the beginning of something more serious.  Although the NP did not allude to this being the development of a serious problem, as I was doing research on the adrenal system, of course, there were some more serious disorders that popped up.  I know I need to give this up to God and not let my thoughts carry me into unnecessary worry.  Could you please say a prayer for me?  Thank you so much.

Prayer Buddy

I'm fairly new to this blogging world, so I completely overlooked the fact that I am supposed to post whom I have been praying for this Lenten season!  I had the privelage to pray for Cheerfully Chaotic.  I have found her blog to be such a treat and breath of fresh air.  It appears she actually has two blogs: the aforementioned...and then Cheerfully Chaotic Kitchen.  I have already found at least one recipe I would like to try from her site!  I look forward to exploring more of her ideas.  Cheerfully Chaotic, I remembered you in the Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplets as well as offering up your intentions during the Holy Mass.  I can't remember whom I learned this effective prayer from here in the Catholic blogosphere, but I also tried to remember you at the moment I received the Eucharist.  I hope you can feel God's grace in your life more strongly, and I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

I was also pleased to learn that Love Came Down has been praying for me during Lent.  I had not happened upon her blog yet, so it was wonderful to find yet another IF-er here in cyberspace.  Thank you so much for your prayers for me, Love Came Down!!  I am so very appreciative.  It was a difficult, but wonderful Lent and now a very blessed Easter season! 

Waiting & Congratulations

Happy Easter!

Congratulations to fellow blogger friend, Mom & Then Some regarding her wonderful news!!  I am so happy for you and am praying for you!!

This is the Hour of Mercy (3:00 hour--the hour that Jesus died), and I still need to pray the Divine Mercy today, so I will keep this short. 

This was my first cycle of taking progesterone pills from peak +3 to peak +12.  I am pretty sure I am going to have my period any day/hour now, but I am still hopeful.  Has anyone had any problems with nausea from anytime after ovulation until your new cycle begins?  I need to ask my NP about that, as I have been experiencing this pretty much every cycle we have tried to conceive.  I honestly feel like I did when I was pregnant with my son.  Must have something to do with hormones.  It's hopefully not because I am conceiving and then miscarrying.  I am not sure how disappointed I am going to feel if I start my period, since I have been so hopeful with this progesterone.  Please pray for me.

I hope you all have a wonderful Divine Mercy Sunday and get to watch some of the JP II beatification footage on T.V.!!!

The Verdict...

I completed my month of hormone testing, and the results have come back in:  very low Vitamin D, abnormal thyroid hormones, and abnormal progesterone levels.  I won't even begin to act as though I understand what all was said to me regarding these problems.  I only know that something is amiss with my thyroid hormones, and although my total number comes back within the normal range, one of the numbers is lower than it should be with another level making up for that deficiency.  With my progesterone, I have a much slower rise in progesterone than I should.  I'm not exactly sure what this entails, but I think it's questionable as to whether or not I'm ovulating every month. 

I have further testing to determine what is causing my thyroid problems (e.g., cortisol/stress?).  Also, I will begin progesterone supplements this month.  If the progesterone supplementation doesn't work, then we will try the sonograms with hcg supplementation after three months. 

Thank you for your continued prayers.  I think they are really helping with my having a more peaceful attitude regarding this sub/infertility.  Praying for all those who are struggling with the same.

Good News & Intro to Hormone Testing

We found out some good news regarding the SA (or SFA).  All is fine with that, which is a relief.

Of course, along with the relief came some ugly feelings of fear and loneliness.  It felt nice when DH was right by my side...in the trenches with me.  It is hard for me to not feel a little like this is a path that I am walking without him, now that the finger points to me as the problem.

I don't want to be this way.  I don't want this to be about me versus DH.  I KNOW that we are doing this together, but I am so weak.

I want to constantly trust in Jesus and know that he is there with me.  I want to always remember that DH is still impacted, even when he is not the one getting his blood drawn every other day.  (Tomorrow is my third day of blood testing.)

I know that when I try to fix my eyes on Jesus with my own strength, I fail.

I have been reading the book Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Father Michael Gaitley.  It is absolutely beautiful.  Have you read it?  It's a retreat that you can do on your own time, and it is phenomenal!  I have learned so much.  Right now, I am reading the "Conclusion", and it may be one of the most important spiritual (non-Bible) books I have ever read.

Anyhow, I have been practicing some of the things I have learned from the book which could not have come at a better time in my life.  I KNOW God will help me overcome these temptations to wallow in sadness and loneliness.  I know He will take these sufferings and create something much better out of them.

Mary, Queen of Heaven, please pray for us!

Unity & Trust

DH and I "performed" the se.men analysis (SA) today.  It was such a strange experience.

For one, I felt so embarrassed.  Talking about s.ex still makes me blush.  Also, we haven't told family about our infertility/subfertility, so we had to be secretive about our "errands" while they watched our son.  It felt a bit like lying.  DH didn't like how he felt during the turn of today's events.  He said it felt like he was cheating on me or something.  Yes, it was odd.  The hospital lab we used was just a tad too far from our house, so we got a room at a hotel.  This was necessary so we could get the sample to the lab in under 30 minutes.  Also, we had to use a (perforated) con.do.m to collect the specimen.  Never used one of those before = STRANGE!  Declaring out loud--in person--to the lab tech that we are Catholic and needed to take our cup out of the hospital and return it was a little embarrassing.  (I called in beforehand to double check this was okay.)  However, it seems to be getting easier with each subsequent conversation.  It's also positive that we have probably educated some health care workers about the "Catholic way" of getting the specimen.

I have to say that although I don't want to have to reproduce today's activities ever again, I am happy with some of the fruits.  First of all, today certainly humbled my husband and me.  We are evermore aware that we are not in control of our fertility, nor do we create a life on our own.  Secondly, although the method was stressful, it brought us together in a way that the typical SA would not.  We had to rely on God, and this gave us no other choice than to cling to Him and to each other.

A Human Pin Cushion

I felt a bit overwhelmed yesterday afternoon, after meeting with the nurse practitioner (NP) who looked at my NFP charts with me.  Although I have been using Billings, apparently the Creighton model is only a step up. Luckily, I had enough information.  I was relieved by that.

The NP told me that it looked as though I may have some issues with my luteal phase (it varies by more than 2 days in some cycles).  Additionally, I may not be ovulating.  So, in order to determine what my hormones are doing, I will be undergoing a month of testing.  Starting on day eight of my cycle, I will also have my estrogren (estradiol) tested (every other day).  Two days after my peak, I will begin having my progesterone tested, along with the estrogen (every other day through peak +11).  Then, 11 days after my peak, I will have about 10 different hormones tested.  It is crazy!  The NP told me that I will feel like a "pin cushion."  I'll say!  I really hope and pray that this testing is worth the money and gives me some answers.  I guess even if the tests come back as normal, the answer will be that I need to look at something else. 

In Christ Alone

We sang this song during communion today at Mass.  The words are very powerful, and they made a big impression on me, so I wanted to share the first verse (my favorite).  The tune is also very moving.

In Christ Alone
by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend

In Christ alone
My hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song

This cornerstone
This sold ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love
What depths of peace
When fears are stilled
When strivings cease

My comforter
My all is all
Here in the love of Christ, I stand

No One Cries the Wrong Way

I recently started reading No One Cries the Wrong Way:  Seeing God Through Tears.  Although much of the book focuses on the death of a loved one, it has an entire section on dealing with suffering.  It is a good reminder that God doesn't cause suffering.  Also, since infertility is a type of loss and does cause grief, I have found the segment on dealing with grief helpful.  I think that because this book doesn't focus on infertility, I am able to ponder how my suffering fits in with the rest of the world's.  There's a lot of pain out there.  It makes me wonder how many people are hurting so deeply, yet they are unable to talk about it.  It makes me want to love my neighbor more completely.  Just as many aren't aware of the suffering I have been experiencing, I do not know of theirs.  I cannot let my pain cut me off from the rest of the world.

My Friend...Future Patron Saint of Fertility?

Last Monday, one of my college friends (I'll call her "B") passed away after a long fight with cancer.  She was my age.  She was/is an amazing person.  So many people have become better people because of her.  I know she is a saint.  She may even be a "Saint."  That is why in conjunction with staying on the safe side and praying for her to be at peace in Heaven, I am also asking her for a favor. 

I told another friend of mine about this favor that I am asking of "B".  I explained that it is something that "B" also struggled with:  infertility.  Wouldn't that be wonderful if my friend who I believe is in Heaven could help my husband and me to conceive again?  But, if we cannot, maybe some others in this online Catholic community can.  I will send up a petition on your behalf.

Presumption

I had a really hard evening after my monthly visitor reared her ugly head. 

DH was out with co-workers for some drinks, so I didn't tell him until after he got home, which was after midnight.  I have been accused of trying to guilt him out of his infrequent nights out with the guys, so instead of being a bummer before his celebration, I was a complete and utter wet blanket afterwards.  This was also an undesirable situation, to say the least.

I was completely too overtired and hormonal to be thinking clearly enough to express my emotions in a healthy manner to DH or to myself.

I guess I did the worst thing, which was to claim and believe that this is all harder on me than it is on him.

I know that guys are different.  They process emotions in different ways than ladies do.  I think I need to read up on a guys' perspective in dealing with his own/his wife's infertility.  It would probably be helpful to me.

Long story short, I decided to go to Reconciliation the next day.  I was caught in an unhealthy thinking pattern.  I had actually known the previous weekend that I was in need of going to Reconcilation, but I just ignored that little voice.  I should have heeded, because now I can see why I needed to be in better spiritual health. 

Father was so kind to see me on a moment's notice, even though he was really busy.  I don't like to ask favors of people, but I felt certain that if he was available, I needed to be absolved sooner rather than later.  Jesus (via Father) had a lot to say to me, and it was all very wise and loving.  Probably the best thing he revealed to me was that my sin wasn't despair, as I had thought.  It was PRESUMPTION.  That is why this has all been so very hard for me.  He told me that it's not that we need to give up trying or hope or any of that.  It's just that we need to be okay with the gifts that God is choosing to give to us--in God's timing.  (He told me this much more eloquently than I can.)  Of course, I still desire having more children, but for some reason, hearing these truths from him seemed to click this time.

Maybe my peace with this will wear off after a while.  I guess that's quite likely.  I will cross that bridge when I get there, I suppose.

I just feel like I've been trying to get to this place of acceptance for such a long time.  Thank you, God, for your gift of the Sacrament of Reconciliation!

Better Luck Next Month

Well, I'm officially not pregnant again this month.

It's difficult to not despair...to not want to quit trying.

I realize these thoughts of giving up are only a certain evil one trying to get me to abandon the pathway God desires for my life.

In a couple days, I'm sure my tune will change.  I'll become "gung-ho" again and I'll make an appointment to speak with an expert on the Creighton Method of NFP.  Maybe after she looks at my charts that I've been documenting for the past 10 years (using Billings), she'll see that it isn't because we don't understand when I am fertile.  Maybe she'll notice something looks "off" with my cycle.  But, I have had other experts take a look-see, and they say it appears to be normal.  They tell me to feel at peace and confident that it appears all is working as it should.

We also need to have my DH checked.  But, this is tricky, too.  You see, as a Catholic, he cannot just go into the little room, look at por.nography, and do the deed.  I would never want him to.  But...this is what is expected of a man.  In order to use a method that is in line with Catholic teachings...and quite frankly...with human decency, we will have to get a little creative.  As far as I know, there is no offering of post-coital testing in this area.  Maybe I should get in touch with the Catholic doctor.  That's another item for my to-do list.

Swimming against the current is such a heavy burden.

I know that it will all be worth it one day.

At the moment, I just dread it. 

Lord, give me peace.

Not the Same Thing

I found a wonderful blog/apostolate that had a link to a Catholic Answers episode about the topic of infertility.  I listened the podcast last night, because I really enjoy that radio show. 

The episode was quite good, and I look forward to seeking out some of the resources the guest spoke about.

However, I was disappointed and a little annoyed when the last caller came on the show.  She wasn't infertile.  She made a good point that it is also a struggle for women who so easily become pregnant--that even their NFP instructors/mentors look at their charts and are baffled as to how they conceived.

I don't want to in any way diminish the pain and struggle that these women are going through.  I don't understand what it's like.

I want to reiterate that I think the caller made a good point.

But...why did she have to do that?

Why did she have to take that episode and try to change it to her subject?  It's because she doesn't understand. 

I know that women who have lots of children face their own battles with people making rude comments, such as, "You do know what causes that, right?"  There was a clever YouTube video that came out around Christmas that tried to make light of the comments larger families are constantly bombarded with.  It was a play on the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas."  Each verse began, "On the __th day of Christmas, a stranger said to me..." 

These families don't have the option of people not knowing about their uber fertility.

I guess that's one good thing about infertility.  It's not quite as obvious.  Although people may suspect your infertility, they may also think, "Well, maybe they don't want to have children" (or anymore children, in my case).  Which does bring me to another thought that I struggle with at times:  I don't want people to think that my husband and I contracept.  But, I'll save that for another entry, since this one is already too long.

My point is:  just because you are struggling with increased fertility, it doesn't mean you understand what it's like to be infertile.  It is not the same.  I'm not trying to mean.  I just want people to know that, often times, it is not healing for someone with infertility to hear someone else with intact fertility complain about how blessed she is with her abundance of children.  I understand what these individuals are saying, and I don't want to ignore their crosses, but they NEED to know that they should NOT bring that up in a conversation about infertility.

Whoa! I'm Not Alone!

I guess I should have done a small Google search before beginning this blog, for I am most certainly NOT alone in my struggles.  There are a lot more Catholic women who are experiencing infertility out there than I imagined.  Since most of the Catholic friends I know have been blessed with multiple children or at least stories of how easily they become pregnant, I felt as though my situation was fairly unique.  It is with relief and also sadness that I found out that it must not be.  It makes me wonder about the numbers of women who do not have blogs--who have remained silent in their suffering.  How many? 

Before today, I was one of them.  I am not sure where this blog is going.  Maybe I will decide to make it my own private journal.  I just know that I have always done well when I get my thoughts and feelings out through writing.  It makes the whirling, circular thought patterns halt.  I can say, "There.  I acknowledged that emotion--that point.  Now I can move on to the next."  Otherwise, I just get stuck sometimes.  At any rate, I know that getting this out is good for me right now.  After I get it all out, maybe it will be enough.  Or...perhaps the material will continue to come. 

Maybe I will join the Catholic Infertility group on Yahoo! groups.  Maybe that will be the outlet and bonding that I desire.  Only God knows.  I should try to take this day by day.  I don't have to commit to anything, which is nice.

God, I will go where you lead me.

It's Happening Again

I'm starting this blog because I feel like it's happening again. 

Not only is it probably going to happen again, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.

No one wants to hear about their friend's infertility woes.

Few of my friends understand anyway.

Many of them are abundantly blessed with several children of their own.

A little bit of background:  My husband and I have one beautiful son.  We have been trying unsuccessfully for over a year to conceive again.  We just began the process of looking into if there might be something wrong. 

Here is the trick:  We are both Catholic, and we are not interested in exploring every fertility opportunity our modern world provides.  I am not here to pass judgment.  I know plenty of individuals, some of them rather close friends/relatives, who used methods I will not pursue.  That is the road they chose to travel.  We do not want to follow them.  We would prefer to stick strictly to what the Catholic Church allows in terms of fertility treatment. 

This is where things get sticky and where I lose potential advocates.  I cannot talk to these friends/family about my/our infertility without appearing that I am judging them for their decisions.  In addition, I am afraid that I don't want them to give me advice on what they think I should/shouldn't do in evaluating/treating my/our infertility.

I know that I am not alone.

Literally, I am accompanied on this journey by my Creator.  Also, I know that there are other Catholics out there who want to abide by the guidelines set forth by the Catholic Church, and you also need someone to talk to.  It is hard in this day and age when all you hear about are your friends who are easily having babies...or others who are using in vitro to become pregnant. 

I understand that this is a suffering that God is allowing in my life, and through this suffering, I am being sanctified.  I understand that.  But, I still hope to one day be able to have more children.  The alternate option of closing myself off to life is not acceptable...as tempting as it may feel to me at times.

So, that is my mess of an introduction.

It feels very raw, but the emotions that come out of infertility are so incredibly raw and heart-wrenching, and if you are also experiencing it, you know what I mean.